It's Not About Me: Self-Care and Service

Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash

I've been thinking about self-care and service a lot lately. I've been trying to figure out how they go together and why we need both of them. In thinking about this, I have been a little confused about the "give, give, give. Give your all in service to others" concept. To me that kind of teaches that everyone else is more important and deserves more than you.  It makes us feel like our needs don't matter and that we are supposed to just take care of everyone else and just serve others to death, at the expense of our own energy and needs. And I think that kind of breeds victim and martyrdom feelings. And also, are you even able to give high quality and meaningful service if you are so burnt out? If you are not important or deserving, but everyone else supposedly is, then how can you give love? If we don't love ourselves, do we really feel that we can give love to others? 

I've been thinking about how this balances with the concept of putting on your oxygen mask first.

"As I’ve flown, I’ve noted as we commence to take off from the airport, a flight attendant will arise and among other things will say, “Now, if we lose air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will descend from overhead. If you’re caring for young children or someone with a disability, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.” Why would the flight attendant say that? Obviously, if you’re unconscious, you can’t help anyone else. So it is with our service to humankind and our service in the Church and in our professions. If we don’t strengthen ourselves, we will never be in a position to strengthen others."  *source 

I fully believe in taking time for ourselves.  I love my self-care time.  I feel like it is vital for my sanity and I'm also passionate about personal growth.

"President Hinckley has also taught that we have a fourfold responsibility—to our families, to our employers, to the Lord, and to ourselves. He has counseled us to “take some time to do a little meditating, to do a little exercise.”  *source 

Photo by kosal ley on Unsplash 

But I also feel like "too much" self-care can become selfish, or at least too much self-care with the wrong focus. So here's what I've been learning as I contemplate all of this...

Self-care is not about me - not in a selfish "I deserve this. I have been taking care of all you people so I need a break and time to myself" kind of way. I think there is some truth in that statement, but not all the way (which is how Satan works, right? Mixes in some truth with some lies). Self-care is about taking the time to fill your cup so that you have some to give. It is really about being able to give back to those around you with abundance.

I think that another way that Satan tries to lie about self-care is he likes to make us feel like we deserve time to ourselves.  We deserve a break.  And while, yes, I do feel like downtime and relaxation is necessary and healthy, I feel like Satan has twisted this and turned this downtime and relaxation time into selfishness and idleness time.  Watching a (wholesome) TV show here and there, I think that's fine.  It can be a way to decompress after a long day, to just be entertained for a bit and enjoy life, or to bond with a friend or family member.  But binge watching shows on netflix?  Is that really wholesome self-care?  In my opinion, no.  Of course, the content of the show might make a difference here, but in general I feel that it's idleness.          

Self-care is definitely required and necessary and healthy. But I'm leaning towards the belief that paradoxically, the focus of our self-care should not actually be on the self. The care of self should not be the end, it should be the means to an end.

The focus should be on bettering the self for the purpose of being a better disciple of Christ - a disciple that has service and love to give to others. It's about consecrating our performance (both the service preparation (self-care) and the service itself) to the building up of the kingdom of God and the establishment of Zion. It's about keeping in mind who we are working for. We are working for God, not ourselves. We are on God's team. He needs each of us to do our part in sharing goodness and light so that the people around us can come to know Him better and receive more joy. Self-care is about preparing and learning and strengthening ourselves so that when God needs us (which will be more often if we are willing and prepared), we are ready and prepared to help. We have the tools in our belt. 

I've always been a little confused about the scripture verses that talk about if you save your life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life, you will save it. But these new thoughts (that I just discussed) have been helping me to understand those scripture verses better.  I also just ran across this quote from President Monson (from the October 2009 General Conference talk "What Have I Done For Someone Today.")

"The Savior taught His disciples, “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it” (Luke 9:24). I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives."

The purpose of life - of my life (and every other individual's life) is to become like God and to help those around us to become like God. If we are only focused on ourselves and our own needs and we aren't consecrating our performance to God, then we really miss out on the entire purpose of why we are alive. When you lose yourself (and focus your service on others, with the purpose of being an instrument in God's hands), then you really find yourself because you are living your life purpose. And there is more of you to find. That last line "while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish - and in effect save their lives" stood out to me. The first thought that came to mind when I thought about growing and flourishing is "we fill the measure of our creation." 

When I was just typing out the name of that General Conference talk, the title of it stuck out to me and I felt an emphasis on the word for. "What have I done for Someone Today?" I do a lot of things everyday. I do a lot of "service" to take care of my kids and family and home. And I also do some "service" that affects other people (family, friends, neighbors, etc.) But how much of that service am I really doing for them? How often is my focus really on them instead of on me. The answer is that most of the time it's not on them. Most of the time I just go through the motions and do the things that I need to do to keep everything running relatively smoothly. Or I do the service so that I can practice being more Christlike. But I don't focus on who I am doing those things for. And I think that adversely affects not only the degree that my service impacts the one that I am serving, but also it negatively impacts my own "finding of myself." 

I also think that in consecrating our performance to God, we find evidence for God's overflowing love for us and we come to love ourselves more as well. He wants us to fill the measure of our creation. He wants us to fulfill our purpose (which is to become like Him.) And the best way we can do that is to serve others with the focus on being an instrument in His hands. Think about what kind of ultimate and righteous self-esteem that produces when we know that God is able to use us to build up the kingdom because we are worthy and prepared. Of course, God's love for us never changes. He loves us no matter what - no matter how good or bad we are, no matter how much or how little we serve Him (and our fellow men.) But the way we view and love ourselves definitely changes according to our actions. And serving God, and knowing that you are being an instrument in His hands to bring about His work and glory - now that is something that really gives you some high, wholesome self-esteem (of course if you stay humble about the whole thing and remember your purpose, and that it's not about you). 

Here are a couple of experiences from the past couple weeks that have made me think about all of this more...

When I was listening to Jody's podcast a couple weeks ago, what she said at the beginning really stuck out to me. She was talking about the "Meant for Joy" presentation that she did in Salt Lake (that I got to go to) and this is what she said...

"It was so wonderful to meet all of you guys. But here's what was interesting about that. My brain kind of went on a "shame attack" after that. Like "who do you think you are? All these people want to meet you and take their picture with you like you're something special. You are not anything special." I want you to know that my brain does that thing as well. And I am very aware that I am nothing special and I think I have that reaction sometimes because I'm really not trying to create any kind of celebrity status around myself and so when people treat me that way it feels very out of alignment with who I'm really wanting to be and how I view myself. But what really helps me get back on track is to just remind my brain "none of this is about you. Just relax. This line of people that want to stand in line and come meet you, that has nothing to do with you. That has to do with you happen to be the messenger of some tools that are really helpful to them so they connect you to those tools but it's something about them, it's not about you." That is something that always brings me peace. And really, I don't view this as something that I'm doing. I view it that I am part of a team and those of you that listen and carry on this work and share it with others, we are all part of a team. Working together with a group of like minded people towards a cause is really rewarding and fulfilling to me. That's really how I view it is that we are all trying to carry this work out together."

I really resonated with what she said about how she is just the messenger. It's not about her, it's about the people that she is helping. She doesn't desire fame or recognition. She just wants to help as many people as she can. 

Another experience that caused me to reflect on this topic was the other day when I happened to hear a few of the songs from the 2017 Mutual album (for youth) and this one in particular stood out to me. It's called "It's Not About You."

So to sum this all up, our life purpose is to become like God and to help others to become like God.  And I feel that the best way to do that is through preparing ourselves (through purposeful and intentional self-care) and giving back through service to others - remembering that the focus for our service is on those that we serve (and ultimately, on God.)

This is something that I really want to shift my mindset on. Something that I have been doing lately is that before I start my routine each morning, I have been starting it off by saying a little prayer where I tell Heavenly Father that I am dedicating this morning's routine to Him and I ask him to consecrate it for my good so that I can be a better instrument in His hands.  I also ask Him to consecrate my performance that day to Him and His purposes.  

What is this blog about, anyway?

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So for all of my avid readers (ahem... me, myself, and I), I wanted to explain what this blog is anyway. Haha. 

So at the beginning of May, we had a Relief Society activity. It was a "life organization conference." I was asked to present about my morning routine. I have been doing a personal development morning routine for 2 years now (based off of The Miracle Morning (and other resources). 

I only had 10 minutes to present but I could have presented for like 3 hours (or more) on the topic. I spent a long time preparing for my presentation. One, because I like to plan things out and prepare well, and two, because I am passionate about personal growth so I love learning about and sharing these kinds of things. 

There weren't very many people there, I didn't feel like I had enough time to share everything that I wanted to, and no one really talked to me about it afterwards, so I didn't think I had got my message across like I wanted to. I was a little bummed about it when I was driving home. I had a little pep talk with myself as I was driving home, reminding myself that "I'm not for everyone" and that's ok.

I was also comforting myself by telling myself that even if no one was inspired by what I shared (and that was unlikely... probably at least one person got something from my presentation,) it was still good that I had done the presentation. I really enjoyed preparing for it and my preparations made me really dive deeper into the resources (The Miracle Morning and The Latter-day Morning books) again and become even more inspired and excited to take my routine to the next level...especially after the past year or so of not doing my routine to the max (because of pregnancy and new baby stages.) So even just for that, it was worth it for me to have done this presentation. 

Well, when I got home, I told J about how it went and how I had way more content to share than I had time for.  Being the super supportive husband that he is, he said "I have an idea. What if I build you a website and you can share your content on there?"  And that got me really excited. Like I said, I'm passionate about personal growth, and I really feel like teaching about this morning routine (and organizing my personal growth learning into the elements of the routine,) would be fun and a good way for me to share what I love. 

So I told J that I thought that was a great idea. He immediately bought a domain name so that he could start making the website for me.  Life has been busy the past couple months (summer trips and such) so he hasn't had a lot of time to work on it yet, but it's coming along slowly but surely. I have such a cool husband and I love that he cares about my dreams and passions. :)

Also, when I got home that night, I kept thinking about this quote (that I had read in The Miracle Morning book as I was finishing up my preparations for my presentation.)...

"Many people don't feel comfortable visualizing success and are even scared to succeed. Some people may experience resistance in this area. Some may even feel guilty that they will leave the other 95% behind when they become successful.  

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson).  

The greatest gift we can give to the people we love is to live to our full potential." 

When I was writing in my journal about it that night, I wrote "This is really true...especially for women I think. Shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around us does not serve the world. I need to stand up. I need to be bold. I need to share my passions and talents and gifts with others. Living MY life (with my unique gifts and talents) to my fullest potential is a great gift to the world." 

So that's how this blog was really born (even though I had technically posted a few times before that).  Eventually, when the website is really up and running, this blog is going to be integrated into it. 

I need to explain my morning routine on the blog sometime so this all makes a little more sense because I'm sure that my posts seem kind of random and scattered sometimes.  Basically though, I write about the things that I am learning and how I am applying them and practicing them in my own life.   

I knowingly admit that I am far from a professional writer.  I am definitely not an english major.  Haha.  But I decided that I am not going to stress about my writing style or skills (or lack thereof).  I am just going to be me.  A lot of my posts come (mostly) from my journal.  I am big into record keeping and I keep a consistent and detailed journal.  So my posts often come from things that I have written about in my journal and then I just make some minor adjustments when I turn them into a blog post.

And if you're wondering why this blog is called Lo Dawn, you can read about it in this post.

The Sweetness of Opposition: Owning Negative Emotion

I listened to a podcast on Saturday by Brooke Castillo about owning negative emotion. I thought it was really interesting. She talked about how we often get stuck in feeling like if we aren't feeling a positive emotion all the time then there is something wrong with us. Especially when we are in the work of being intentional about personal growth. It's easy to feel like a fraud or something if you are feeling negative emotion.  She also talked about the benefits of really experiencing (rather than resisting) negative emotion and how it deepens our life experience and capacity to feel positive emotion as well.  

I loved the podcast so much that I actually listened to it again and transcribed it (one, because listening to it more slowly helps me to digest the information better and two, because sometimes when I hear something that really resonates with me, I like to write it down and keep it in my journal.)  I would love to just put the entire podcast on here, but that would be way too long.  I highly recommend clicking on that link and listening to it though.  :) Here are the main things that I learned and some of my favorite excerpts from the episode... 

1. We are not supposed to feel positive emotion 100% of the time.  

We learn in the scriptures about how there is opposition in all things and that is how it is supposed to be.  We need opposition in order to have agency.  We also need opposition so that we can have a full life experience.

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility."  2 Nephi 2:11

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2. When we resist negative emotions we are doing ourselves a disservice.  

Multiple disservices actually. 

Resisting the negative emotion actually feels worse (and often results in regret) than just accepting, allowing, and processing it.  In my experience, resisting a negative emotion doesn't make the emotion go away.  It is like a beach ball that is held under the surface of the water.  Eventually it builds up so much pressure that it can't be held under anymore.  It explodes up to the surface and up into the air. That's how negative emotions work too.  When we resist them and push them down, they eventually build up too much pressure and they release in a more extreme way.  

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In contrast to that, if we accept, allow, and process the negative emotion, it is still there.  But it isn't being held under.  It is just allowed to float on the surface of the water until it floats away.  It might come back again, depending on the situation and if you have changed your thoughts about the circumstance or not, but when it comes back, you can just accept, allow, and process it again.   

3. Being truly alive means experiencing the positive and the negative. 

"Our ability to deal with negative emotion is going to come from experiencing negative emotion. And if I am constantly trying to dismiss negative emotion or control my life in a way where I won't ever experience negative emotion then I'm really going to miss out on half of the experience of being alive. We can stay in our homes and never leave and never enter into any relationships that will cause us pain and kind of avoid those experiences of contrast and negative emotion but we are also going to miss out on the full experience of being alive. So I think the more alive we are willing to be, the more negative emotion we are going to experience." (Brooke Castillo)

"I think that most of what we are experiencing with our clients through life coaching and through weight coaching right now is, I would say, an epidemic of people resisting and avoiding emotion. I think they spend so much time trying to be happy without actually being happy and making the effort to do that by resisting anything that feels like a negative vibration in their body. And the way that they do that is by pretending it's not there, pushing it away, and avoiding it. I think that really understanding that the way to enjoy life is not by putting the breaks on negative emotion. And in fact, it's the opposite. It's by really opening ourselves up to diving into the negative emotion that gives us the full experience of what it means to be alive. And I think that is ultimate happiness." (Brooke Castillo)

4. Being willing to feel your feelings takes great courage

"I think that feeling your feelings is the most courageous thing anyone can ever do. And when you are willing to feel any emotion, that's when you'll be willing to take any action because you won't be afraid of the emotion that might accompany it." (Brooke Castillo)

5. Experiencing negative emotions deepens our capacity to feel positive emotions. 

"Because we have been resisting our emotion for so long, we don't even know what it's like to experience an emotion. We only know what it's like to resist an emotion. And avoid an emotion. What's it like to actually feel it? And for many of us, this experience of taking this moment to be in that discomfort of negative emotion is the first time they've ever even done it. It's like the first time someone has ever lifted weights. They're like "I'm not lifting weights. That looks like it will hurt." And it does hurt a little bit, but the benefits of experiencing it are tremendous. And it's the same with experiencing negative emotion. So if you give yourself a certain period of time everyday to just allow whatever negative emotion you are feeling to come up and be experienced, to flow through you with full acceptance, You will actually learn the skill of how to feel a negative emotion. And when you learn how to feel a negative emotion, you also learn how to feel a positive emotion. You're learning how to feel. So many of us have learned how to resist emotion and avoid emotion for so long, we literally don't know how to feel. So, the best way to do anything is to do it, and do it consistently." (Brooke Castillo)

When I heard Brooke talk about this, it really resonated with me.  In general I am a very "toned down" person.  I am not very expressive externally.  That sometimes bothers me, but I am also coming to terms with that and accepting that I am that way and it's not always a bad thing.  What does bother me though is that I don't feel like I am very expressive internally either.  

I feel like I am missing out on some of the depth of life. I think that perhaps I have been in a habit of resisting negative emotions (when they come up) for so long that I feel like it has impacted my capacity to really feel the depth of positive emotion as well.  I don't think I am like this in an extreme way or anything.  I definitely do still experience feelings - both positive and negative, but my feelings  are toned down.  I guess I just don't feel all the way alive in that area. I have brief moments here and there, but for the most part, I feel out of touch with my deeper feelings - both positive and negative.  I feel like I have a hard time being truly empathetic when other people are going through something hard.  I don't feel good or happy for them, obviously, but I have a really hard time knowing how to help them because I have a hard time feeling for them.  I just get stumped and don't know what to do.  I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else.  Just trying to describe my mental and emotional thoughts and feelings about this interesting struggle of mine. 

When negative emotions come up, I often feel out of control and just want them to go away. So I just resist and avoid and try to control. This never ends well. I end up not only grumpy, angry, regretful, and a bad mom (or wife, friend, etc.) but I also have just done myself a disservice. I haven't taken advantage of the experience of processing it and I haven't allowed that negative emotion (the opposition) to do it's job. I haven't allowed it to deepen my capacity to feel  - to feel more empathy for others, and to make my future positive emotions and experiences sweeter and deeper.    

6. Establish a daily practice: Set aside 10 minutes a day to feel your feelings and really experience them and/or do a thought download

"So, 10 minutes a day, when you feel yourself wanting to escape (you know what it is you do to escape to yourself,) instead of doing that, invite whatever ugliness you think is inside of you to come up. And just notice it with fascination and with curiosity, and not with judgment. For some of you it may be rage. For some of you be sadness. For some of you it may be depression. It may be disappointment. Can you give yourself 10 minutes to experience that emotion in it's purity. And really notice what it feels like and what it's like to experience it. And how long does it really last? Do you know how long a negative emotion lasts? Most of you are gonna say no because you've never even allowed it to come through." (Brooke)

"So when I'm saying "experience negative emotion and give yourself the time to actually allow that emotion to come up," I'm not suggesting that you're reacting to that negative emotion. I'm just suggesting that you are letting it be there and letting it be what it is. And that is a very different energy. And I think in the beginning it's really important to give yourself some time. Maybe say "ok, at noon, I'm going to sit down and really let my negative emotion come up." And if it doesn't come up, what I suggest is that you sit down and do a thought download. You just write down all of the negative thoughts that are in your brain. And know that there will be some negative thoughts in there and that's ok. By pretending they're not there, and not owning them, you can't change them. And I think there is real power in that word, owning. 

I actually put this in my post when I went through my shame experience. Shame doesn't like to be owned, it likes to own you. That's how my experience is of it. And when I own it as my own, "this is my shame. I am experiencing the shame. And in fact, I am creating the shame with my brain. This is my shame. It doesn't come over me. It doesn't attack me. It doesn't get me. I am the one creating the attack. This is my experience to fully accept and take responsibility for." I will tell you what, that will change your experience with your emotion and I can't say that it will feel good, because it won't. Most negative emotion doesn't. It doesn't feel great in our body, but it is part of the experience. And it is part of what it means to truly accept ourselves as we are. When you accept your negative emotion, when you allow it, then you can heal from it. You know that it's not going to last forever. You know that it's going to pass through you and your body will take care of it and then you will move on. Instead of pretending that you don't have it, you just give into it. You just allow it. Without reacting to it. You just be with it. Just let it be. Just be with whatever emotion is with you right now. That's what it means to be alive. And when you look at the overall trajectory of your entire life, if you want the main experience to be some level of contentment and happiness, I truly believe that means accepting the emotion that you're feeling and also not judging it something that shouldn't be happening. Just allowing it as an experience of your life. And then giving yourself access to what you're thinking that's creating it, without trying to change it. I mean, I think that's the most courageous thing we can do - to be with ourselves." (Brooke)

I decided to make this daily practice a part of my morning routine.  I listened to this podcast this past weekend when we were out of town.  We got back on Sunday evening so on Monday morning, during my morning routine, I sat down with a blank piece of paper and just started writing down any thoughts that came into my mind.  I had woken up that morning feeling kind of blah but it was a bunch of random thoughts so I didn't really know which one in particular needed to be processed, that's why I just did the thought download. It actually really helped to clear my head and I felt much better at the end. 

After the thought download, I noticed some self-coaching work that needed to be done.  So I got out another blank paper and plugged one of my issues into the CTFAR model.  Someday I'll do an entire post about the model, but I learned it from my life coach, Jody Moore.  Basically, Circumstances trigger Thoughts which create our Feelings, which create our Actions, which create our Results.   The result points back to the thought.  So if I want a different result with something in my life then I need to change my thought.   

For the past 4 days so far, I have continued this habit of doing a thought download and then running a model (or two).  It has been really helpful.  And also, I have just felt more clarity and peace throughout the day.  I plan to make this a regular part of my morning routine.      

I know that this is just the first step.  Really diving into the experience of processing a negative emotion will take a lot practice.  But I am becoming more convinced that I want to be up to the challenge.  

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7. The Fear of feeling negative emotion and the resistance are much bigger problems than the actual emotion itself. 

"Think about that with your children. It's so tempting when they're crying to say "oh no, you're ok. You're ok. Don't cry. You're alright. Toughen up. You can be good here. You got this." Because we don't want our kids to cry because we want them to be happy all the time. Well, the same is for us. We have some kind of negative emotion come up and we say "oh you're ok, you're ok. Don't worry about it. Just eat something." Instead of "no, no, no. Here's negative emotion. This is part of the experience. I'm going to take some time and really dive into this one and really see what this is all about. I'm going to let this be part of my life instead of pretending like it isn't. And then you will stop controlling everything around your life and stop avoiding things that you might want to do because of your fear of feeling negative emotion. The fear of feeling negative emotion and the resistance to feeling negative emotion are much bigger problems than the actual emotion itself." (Brooke)

I feel like this concept is so freeing.  Imagine what kind of great things I could accomplish and who I could become if I wasn't afraid to feel negative emotion.  So inspiring and empowering.  

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Another thought that I had was that I think that something else that holds me back from feeling more depth with positive emotions is that some fear is involved.  It's like I am afraid to really feel the positive emotion too deeply - because what if it doesn't last?  What if some terrifying or horrible thing happens in my life?  I don't want to get too attached to the positive - like I am using that to protect me from getting hurt too deeply.  Because the greater I feel the positive, the more capacity I will have to really feel the negative if (more like when) it happens.  And that sounds painful.  But I am realizing through this that it will be even more painful if I resist the negative emotion that will come.  Experiencing the negative emotion will probably be a better (cleansing, healing, deepening, etc.) experience than I can imagine. 

So I think that I could work on really experiencing the positive emotions in my everyday life as well.  Really dive into them.  Because the more I experience the positive, the more alive I will be.  And then I need to trust and not be afraid of negative emotion that will come. 

Opposition makes life sweeter - if we allow it to by really diving in and experiencing the negative and the positive.  

Moon Thoughts: Reflecting the Light of the Son/Sun

Going along with the Lunar Abundance practice that I talked about on my last post, I wanted to share some thoughts that I have had about the Moon over the past few weeks. 

My birthday was a few weeks ago and my husband gave me this pretty necklace as a gift.  

It is moonstone and is meaningful to me because one, it is my birthstone (along with Pearl and Alexandrite) and two, because of my current fascination with learning about the moon.  

When I was listening to the Armour of Light talk a couple weeks ago one part (among many) stuck out to me...

"We call people who have an abundance of this light “spiritual.” Jesus Christ is the light and life of the world. Spiritual people—or those who strive to always have His spirit to be with them—reflect the light of Jesus Christ in their lives and in their countenances."

When I heard this, I immediately thought "hmm!  That's so interesting!  It reminds me of how the moon reflects the light of the sun to us.  We should be like the moon and reflect the light of the Son (sun)."      

Random side note, but a couple months ago it was my sister's birthday. Before she got to our house for her birthday party, P decided that he really wanted to draw a picture of Jesus as a present for her. We googled pictures of Jesus and P settled on this one...

He asked J to teach him how to draw it. P drew it the best he could and then he colored it.

The finished product is a little bit...cryptic.

I love that P likes to depict Jesus through artwork. :)  This picture (the original), to me at least, shows Jesus Christ offering His light to the world.  

Jesus Christ is the light.  He is like the Sun that gives light and life to the Earth.  And I am coming to feel that I can be like the Moon.  I can get light from Jesus Christ and reflect that light to others. 

I can use the moon cycle and goals/intentions (referring to the Lunar Abundance practice) to help me to learn and grow. As I learn and grow and mature I become more and more complete, like the moon becomes more full.  The more whole I am, the more light I can reflect.  

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As I was researching a bit about this idea online, I ran across this Instagram post that I thought was an interesting take on this concept and gives a different and useful angle.    

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"There’s an old Jewish teaching from the time of Moses that uses the moon as an example of the way we wrestle with humility. The rabbis taught that when the moon was full and bright, it was competing with the sun as the source of light on the earth - even though it was only reflecting the sun's light. When it realized this, the moon made its light get smaller and smaller over the next few weeks until the sun became the primary source of light and life in the sky.  

With the sun in its rightful place, the moon would again start to reflect its light and the whole process would start over again.  

I think we all wrestle like this. We're called to reflect the glory of the Son, but it's easy to put ourselves in the limelight. But it's only when Jesus becomes more and we become less that we truly reflect his light in our lives. 

Today, in all you do, you will choose to either be the center of attention and seek your own glory, or to humbly reflect the glory of God and let His light shine. Which will you choose?

It's important to remember that just like the moon does not give off it's own light, it comes from the Sun, my light also comes from the Son.  Remember the true source of the light is Jesus Christ.  I am just an instrument.     

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For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus’ sake.  For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 4:5-6 

Moon Thoughts: Lunar Abundance Practice

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A few months ago, my friend Heather recommended this podcast episode to me.  On this podcast, I was introduced to Ezzie Spencer, her thoughts about the moon, and her Lunar Abundance practice.  I was fascinated by what was shared on this podcast episode and was really drawn to learning more. On Ezzie's website, she says 

"Lunar Abundance® shows you HOW to work with the rhythms of the moon to create an abundant life. By setting intentions, and tuning into lunar ebbs and flows, you can connect with your work, your relationships, your body and your surroundings in a very feminine way — relaxing and BEING more — while cultivating more joy, peace and flow in your life!"

After listening to the podcast, I looked up Ezzie's website and decided that I really wanted to read her book.  She lives in Australia and her book won't be published in the United States until sometime next year.  But I was able to find a copy of her book on eBay (from Australia) so I bought it from there.   At the beginning of her book this is what she says...

"Just looking at the Moon at night ignites our intuition and imagination, and evokes a remembering of sorts: an urge to pay attention.   

We feel her ebb and flow; we feel her resonance with our own energy and physical cycles.  We are intrigued by the mystique of her darkness and the climax of her light.  We may also heed her call to transformation by tracking her rhythms: she offers a stability that speaks to our psyche in the ways she is always changing - ways that seem to be erratic, and yet are constant, cyclical, and predictable.  She is elegant, romantic, and subtle.  She represents both chaos and stability, a magnetic and mysterious riddle that draws us in with the possible richness in her depths.  When we come closer, her links with fertility, bleeding, and creation reverberate in our bodies, hinting too at the nurturing and birth of our dreams."    

I have always loved looking at the moon, but besides just enjoying the visual aspect, I don't think I had ever given it a ton of thought before. Since learning more from Ezzie I have been using her idea of setting intentions each month (during the new moon phase), and using the moon phases as a way to flow through that intention and as a natural time keeper.  I am still learning how to lean into this method of releasing, working, relaxing, and manifesting my intentions, but I have been enjoying the process and it has been great for me to think of an intention to focus on each cycle/month.

  

I have also become more fascinated with the moon and her feminine energy.  Until I heard this podcast, I didn't know that the moon cycle is 29 1/2 days.  Isn't that interesting? (Maybe I'm the only one that didn't already know that.  haha) Especially considering that the "typical" female menstruation cycle is 28 days?  I also find the different phases, particularly the new moon and full moon phases to be interesting in regards to relating them to the menstruation cycle.    

At the beginning of the moon cycle, it is the New Moon phase...which is when the moon is the most "closed." And then it opens up over the next couple weeks until it reaches Full Moon (the half way point.) And then it closes up over the next couple weeks until it is the New Moon phase again.

Something that I have learned from tracking my menstruation cycle over the past few years (from the book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility) is that as the female body approaches ovulation (which is "typically" the half way point), the cervix opens up (not a ton, but it does open) and then when ovulation passes, it closes again. So this seems to be similar to the moon cycle.

And, I've heard that more babies are born during the full moon phase. I wonder if the opening of the cervix (to allow birth) is affected by the moon?

Another big thing that Ezzie explores with her Lunar Abundance practice is how the Moon affects us and how it can reflect back to us and help us to get to know ourselves better.  Here is an excerpt from her book...

"To see the Moon as reflective is a neat fit: as the Moon reflects the light of the Sun in the sky, it also reflects this back to us on Earth.  We experience an illumination of what is represented by the Moon - our own emotional terrain - which can be disorienting if we are not equipped with the tools to respond.  

You do not need to closely follow the Moon to experience synchronicity, but greater attention does seem to enhance the effects.  Thus, there may be another reason that following the Moon phases has the effect that it does: us.  Our very gaze may imbue the Moon cycle with meaning for ourselves.  At the bleeding edge of quantum physics, scientists have shown that reality does not exist until it is measured: the object of our attention is influenced by the very fact that we are paying attention to it.  This may be one of the reasons why the Lunar Abundance practice is effective.  In fact, I believe that most things that help you pay attention to your internal world will help you cultivate self-knowledge, which in turn will help you skillfully navigate the external world - important, as the inner work is not an end in of itself.

As there have been many opinions but not comprehensive research, to date, on why the Moon has the effect that it does, I feel most comfortable describing my engagement with the Moon less through blind faith, and more through the act of natural time keeping and conscious awareness. 

Why is this valuable?  The more you know yourself, the less you are influenced by external forces; the more you are able to hear your own deep wisdom and embrace your true nature - who you are, where you belong, and which way is the right direction - in order to take discerning action. 

The Moon cycle is what continually guides me home and grounds me; she was my initial inspiration, remains my muse, and provides, via her short, trackable, and observable cycle, a gentle and predictable rhythm and guide to situate myself here on Earth, as well as a mirror back to us to help us know ourselves.  The Moon has helped me to cultivate a more intimate integration of mind and body, and to devise a rule-of-thumb guide for living and working in my own flow.  With this, I create a better life for myself and for those with whom I share this practice. 

I definitely do not suggest that the Moon makes us do anything, how disempowering would that be?  Throughout this book, I show you how to work with the Moon cycle in my way, and to explore what the Moon has guided me to learn: our own rhythms and cycles, the contours of our creative power, the natural ebb and flow of work and life, the necessity of self-care and connection with all that is physical and real - as well as the interplay between the night and day, the shadow and the light, the ups and downs inherent in life.  We need the Moon to function here on Earth, even if we do not always pay her as much attention as we do the Sun."

I have more thoughts about the Moon that I'll share in my next post...

Lesson from the Scriptures: Keeping Our Lights Bright

The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light.

Romans 13:12

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I have been trying to walk a mile every morning for the past week or so so that I can get outside and get some exercise.  I like to listen to something (a podcast, general conference talk, etc.) while I walk. During my walk yesterday morning, I listened to a BYU devotional talk called The Armour of Light. I thought it was so interesting and inspiring.  I have been so fascinated with learning about light over the past year or so.  

I loved a lot of things from his talk (and I'll probably do some other posts about those things) but one part that really stuck out to me at the end was Dennis Largey's challenge...

"I would like to issue a challenge: Sometime today take a piece of paper and divide it into two halves. On the right side list things that could intensify light in your life: temple attendance, attendance at all Sunday meetings, scriptures, prayers, repentance, service, and so forth. On the left side list things that you think, desire, do, say, view, or even places you go, that diminish light from your life. Then ask yourself in all honesty, “How can I improve in those things that intensify light, and what can I simply let go of that takes light away?” As in the story of Achan: “What accursed things do I do, say, think, or hold onto that drain my power?” This list can be compared to a dimmer switch that controls the intensity of light within our homes. Turn the dial to the right and light increases. Turn the dial to the left and the light dims. The decision as to which way we turn the dial is up to us."

When I heard him talk about a dimmer switch, it made a lot of sense to me.  So later on that morning, I was talking to the kids about this principle of light.  I asked L if he knew what at dimmer switch was.  He didn't really know.  So I just downloaded a quick app on my phone that has a dimmer switch on it.  I took the kids into the bathroom (no windows so It's completely dark) so that I could demonstrate the dimmer effect and teach them about this principle.  

I taught them about how everyone is born with the Light of Christ.  We all have this light that is in our minds, bodies, and spirits.  When we make bad choices (sin), and don't repent, the light slowly (or more quickly, depending on the sin) fades and we become darker and darker inside.  Eventually the light inside us gets so dim that we can no longer see clearly.  I demonstrated this by listing off random sins and slowly turning down the level of light on the dimmer switch.  When the light was down at it's lowest - almost completely dark, I asked the kids if they could see certain things in the bathroom.  They said that they couldn't.  

I talked to them about how this internal darkness produces misery for the person.  

I then taught the kids about repentance and how it is always possible to repent.  It is never too late.  God is always there, reaching out to you, waiting for you.  I then demonstrated what happens if the person repents and steadily makes good choices, line upon line.  I turned the light slowly up until it was at it's brightest again.  I then asked the kids to look around the bathroom and tell me if they could see things again.  They said that they could.  

I talked to them about how the light of the gospel helps us to be able to see things more clearly - as they really are.  This internal light produces a radiant peace, love, and joy in the person's life. 

Even though it is always possible to repent and come back from a state of internal darkness, it is far better to never have to get to that point.  It is better to obey Heavenly Father's commandments in the first place and to not only keep the light bright, but to work towards making the light even brighter.  This is where Dennis Largey's challenge comes in.  “How can I improve in those things that intensify light, and what can I simply let go of that takes light away?”

After this demonstration I talked to the kids about how, now, when they are little, is the time to practice this principle - when the choices and consequences are little.  Now is the time for them to practice repenting when they make mistakes.  And now is the time to practice obeying Heavenly Father's commandments (which includes obeying their parents.)  

After this little teaching moment, the boys wrote about what they learned in their Gospel Experiences books.  

L's entry (pg. 1)

 L's entry (pg. 2)

 P's entry

During my morning routine this morning, I sat down and made the list that Dennis Largey suggested. On one side of the page I wrote down things that intensify light in my life.  I'm not necessarily super good at these things all the time, but when I do include these things in my life, they do intensify my light.  

On the other side of the page, I wrote down some things that I struggle with that diminish my light.  I am sure that there are other things that I will remember and I will add those to this list as I think of them.

I am going to be more intentional about doing more of the things that intensify the light in my life and doing less of the things that diminish the light.   

My Story: Discovering My Passion for Personal Growth (Part 1)

So I thought that I would write up my story and how I came to discover my passion for personal growth.  I think that I've always been interested in improving myself but I feel like the real birth to this passion started with the birth of my second child, P.

I gave birth to P naturally (no pain medication).  But this was unintentional.  I had an epidural when I gave birth to L (my oldest) and I loved it.  That was my plan for P's birth as well.  My job was just to show up at the hospital and the medical staff would take care of the rest.

Well, P had other plans.  P was due on February 21, 2012.

On February 7th, I thought that I was going into labor.  So I went to the hospital.  Labor stalled so I was sent home.

On February 14th, I again thought that I was going into labor.  So I went to the hospital again.  No progress so they sent me home.

On February 20th, I was having contractions again and this time I thought it was for sure the real deal.  I went to the hospital.  When I got there, I asked the resident doctor if they would be able to just induce me if my labor stalled again.  This was my 3rd time at the hospital and I was getting tired of it.  And I had an induction scheduled for 3 days later anyway.  The resident doctor said that he couldn't say for sure, but he didn't think that they would let me stay if I didn't make any progress within 2 hours.

So I waited the 2 hours.  When the doctor came back to check me, I had barely progressed.  But not enough that I thought they would admit me.  I was bummed, but then another doctor came in and said that I could stay.  My real doctor (who was pretty high up) had told them that I could be admitted.

So the plan was for me to labor on my own throughout the night (it was late evening by this time) and if I needed some help then in the morning they would give me some pitocin.  I was fine with that.  As long as I got my epidural, I didn't really care how the rest played out (of course, I cared about the health of me and the baby the most though.)

So I labored all night, with little progress.  I was still only dilated to 3 cm.  

At about 7:30, they got me hooked up to pitocin and it started to increase the frequency and intensity of my contractions. They definitely got to the point where I had to breath through them and they were pretty uncomfortable. But it felt good to feel like I might actually start progressing and have my baby sometime soon. 

Around 8:00, my nurse came in and was talking to me. I was asking her what the plan was for my next cervix check and we were talking about when I would be able to get an epidural. She said that they would probably check me soon and I could ask about an epidural then if I wanted to. She also said that they might consider breaking my water sometime and if I wanted an epidural then I should probably ask for one before they did that since contractions can get more intense after your water breaks. 

A couple minutes after we got done talking, I heard/felt a big pop and a gush. My water broke. It was 8:20 am. I went into panic mode in my head and said to the nurse "umm... my water just broke. Can I get an epidural as soon as possible?" The nurse went to go see if the anesthesiologist was available and my contractions immediately started getting VERY intense and close together. She came back in a few minutes later and said that the anesthesiologist was doing a C-section and wouldn't be available at the moment. They paged my doctor but while he was on his way over, they pulled in a nurse/midwife and she checked me. I was dilated to a 7, 100% effaced, and zero station. 

My contractions continued to get more and more intense and I didn't really know what to do. I wasn't planning on a natural birth. The nurse/midwife had me turn on my side a few times to help the baby's heart rate and a couple minutes later, I blurted out "he's coming out!" I could feel that the baby's head was about to come out and I could not control the urge to push. They quickly moved me onto my back and I started pushing...and making all of those dramatic noises that you imagine pregnant women making when they are giving birth. Yes, the screaming and all. I was squeezing J's hand pretty hard and I kept thinking/saying "I can't do this!" The nurse/midwife was really good though and tried to help me breath through my contractions. They had to put an oxygen mask on me because I was breathing so fast and hard. I just wanted to get the baby out of me. It happened really fast though and I only pushed for a couple of minutes before he was born. My doctor didn't even make it. The nurse/midwife delivered the baby.  He was born at 8:41 am - 21 minutes after my water broke.  

I remember that right after I had P, the nurse midwife tried to hand him to me, but I could barely hold him.  I couldn't even open my eyes for what felt like several minutes because I was still in shock and feeling the intensity of what had just happened.  I was finally able to calm down and hold my baby and my thoughts were "That was miserable.  I never want to give birth naturally, ever again."

"I can't believe I just survived that." 

     

I'll explain the rest of the story, but as an aside, a few months ago, it dawned on me that the tools and skills that I have acquired (and am continuing to acquire) through my passion with personal growth are not only to help me.  Of course, I will use (and have already used) these tools for the benefit of my family and others around me, but it occurred to me that P's birth set off this chain reaction to help me discover the tools that I need in parenting and helping him.  P is very deep and needs a lot of help with learning emotional intelligence and how to deal with his emotions in a healthy way.  I feel that he has inherited some less desirable traits (less desirable only when channeled incorrectly) from certain family members and in a sense, I feel like these tools that I am learning and teaching him will help to cleanse and heal some of those wounds in our family line.  And I have been realizing that the tools that I am learning are helping me to teach him how to handle and process his strong emotions in a healthy way.  I am faaarrrr from perfect at this (I have to do my own emotions coaching work with myself as well), but I'm trying and I'm practicing and when I remember to use the tools, I see great benefits for both of us.

...  

Fast forward to the summer of 2013.  We were thinking about trying to get pregnant again.  So naturally, I started to think about giving birth again.  And I decided that I didn't want a repeat of Porter's birth experience.  I didn't want to chance being caught unprepared again.  So even though I still didn't want to give birth naturally, I felt that I should at least put some effort into preparing for it, just in case.

One day that summer I was reading a blog that I really like, written by Heather Farrell.  On the side of her blog, she had a link to a book that she was one of the authors for called The Gift of Giving Life: Rediscovering the Divine Nature of Pregnancy and Birth.  The title of this book interested me so I decided to buy it and read it.  When it came in the mail a few days later, I spent pretty much all of my free time reading it.  I loved what I was able to learn from that book.  It was so inspiring.  It is a compilation of birth stories and of essays about pregnancy and birth.  The birth stories aren't all about unmedicated/natural births, but many of them were.  As I read this book, I started to feel a desire grow in me.  I started to feel that instead of preparing for a natural birth, just in case, I was seriously considering having a natural birth the next time on purpose.

It was also through this book that I was really introduced to meditation.  Of course I had heard of meditation before, and I know that the scriptures mention meditation, but I had never really known how to meditate and I hadn't ever thought of doing a formal meditation practice before.  I began to be fascinated with meditation though and felt really drawn to it.  I started learning everything that I could about it, from the scriptures, from the prophets, and from other books and sources.  I began my own meditation practice that has changed and improved over time since then.

A couple months later, I got pregnant with E.  I had learned from The Gift of Giving Life book about  a childbirth method called Hypnobabies and I felt really drawn to this method.  So when I was a few months pregnant, I borrowed the Hypnobabies home study program from a friend and practiced the techniques and skills throughout the rest of my pregnancy.  Throughout my experience with this program, I learned a lot more about affirmations and meditation and the mind/body connection.  E's birth (May 2014) was an amazing experience.  I was able to use the Hypnobabies skills to help me to have a very positive and spiritual unmedicated/natural birth.  The skills that I learned even had a very positive effect on the end of my pregnancy with her and also on the postpartum period.

This post is already long enough, so I'll continue the rest of my discovery of my passion for personal growth on the next post...