Learning Life Lessons: Story Fondling and Judge Your Neighbor

So I feel like I have been painfully (emotionally at least) learning all sorts of life lessons this week. It really has been a week of transformation for me in a lot of ways.  

One thing in particular happened today.  I decided to share this with you because one, I am trying to be more real, vulnerable, and open about my life and thoughts.  And two, because I feel like the tools that I share here could be helpful to you as well.  I'm all for sharing goodness. 

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Anyway, I was annoyed about an interaction that I had with a friend (we'll just call her Bertha).  This isn't the first time I've had this sort of interaction with Bertha so I was feeling extra frustrated about it (and being on my period doesn't help either.  haha.) I decided to talk to another friend (we'll call her Barbie) about it, you know to just "vent."  We chatted about it for a bit but then she had to go to an appointment. 

And I started feeling really yucky inside about the whole thing. I really regretted saying anything to Barbie about the situation (or my feelings about it). I felt embarrassed for being so stuck up and for gossiping. I felt a mixture of shame and guilt. And I started thinking about how I was just story fondling. Jody (my life coach) talks about this a lot. I think the original idea comes from Martha Beck.  It's basically when you just keep talking to someone (or multiple people) about your story (about a situation or person) that you are having a hard time with. And the more you talk about it, the more you build up and find evidence for your beliefs about what is going on in that story. You just increase your victim mindset.  It's not useful or helpful. 

I found this random blog post that talked about story fondling and I liked how she explained it...

"It's as if staying fully engaged with the problem prevents people from having to come up with a solution. There's an issue, poppets, when we love the story of our problem so much that we can't bear to let it go. We're "story fondling", as my friend Martha Beck calls it. We love our story. We absolutely adore it. We hold it close, as if it were a tiny baby needing our tender, loving care. But when we story fondle, we allow our problem to define us and shape our decision-making. 

Which is the opposite of forgiveness. 

And only prolongs the pain. 

The only way forward, as you may have heard, is through. To get unstuck, once and for all, you have to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution.  

You have to break up with the problem and start dating a solution. Or play the field if you want and try several solutions. 

Sure, sometimes we fondle our problem in an attempt to understand it. And that's important -- understanding the pain can help us craft a solution that works. But 30 years of fondling? Excessive. That's 30 years of living life in pain, and on hold. Which might feel safe, but is ultimately a waste."

 Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

I really liked these thoughts on story fondling as well...

"I know that stories have a powerful—and often positive—influence on us humans. The story of someone's struggle, her persistence or fearlessness, can ignite the flame of knowledge and faith we need to light our way. There are circumstances where retelling past problems is not only appropriate but imperative: for example, moments when you are lost in inner darkness and revealing your story will lead you to people of compassion; times when talking about your struggle can help others with the same problem; instances where talking openly can shine a spotlight on injustice or cruelty that flourishes in the dark created by secrets.  

These are times for storytelling, and I wish I could say I've encountered any of them today, but I haven't. As I obsess about my ancient problems, I feel more like I'm sinking in quicksand than lighting a torch. I'm creating neither heat nor light, just the icky, perversely pleasurable squish of self-pity between my toes. My only defense is that I'm not the only one down here in the muck—our whole culture is doting on tales of personal tragedy.  

Ever since Freud first showed that we could treat psychological ailments by discussing our past, the "talking cure" has trickled its way into every part of society. Today many people (even many therapists) assume that going over the reasons we're unhappy is, in itself, sufficient to create happiness. If this were true, cogitating on our most painful stories would be a cure-all. Unfortunately, there comes a point when talking about our mental block stops being a solution and becomes the problem. That point is marked by a large red flag, on which is written simply: SELF-PITY."

So after feeling bad about the situation (the original issue with Bertha and story fondling about it with Barbie) for a while, I realized that when I am having one of these experiences where I am feeling annoyed or hurt or insecure or something, instead of going to a friend (or even J) and "venting" (story fondling) about my experience/frustration, I could do something more constructive like a thought download (just get a piece of paper and write down any and all thoughts that are swimming around in my head. Just get it all out.) And also, I could work on just processing the negative emotion(s) that I am feeling at that moment. 

Because "venting" always seems like a good idea, and that it will make me feel better. But 99% of the time, I end up just feeling worse. Even if my friend validates me and my thoughts/feelings about my situation, I end up feeling yucky inside - probably because the spirit withdraws.  And the problem never really gets solved.

Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash

Coincidentally, another friend (not knowing about my current situation) actually reminded me today of another resource that could help me.  It's the "Judge your Neighbor" worksheet by Byron Katie.  I found the worksheet online, printed it off, and filled it out.  The title of the worksheet sounds unproductive and "judgey" but it is actually super helpful and very eye opening. 

After I filled it out, I was thinking about it and it all basically boils down to the first statement that I filled out...

I am _______________ with _______________ because _____________________________.

I am frustrated with Bertha because she doesn't want to be real friends with me.

The four questions that I had to ask about this statement (and a few other statements that I had to fill out) are:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without that thought? 

So to answer questions 3 and 4, I ran it through the CTFAR model.  (I need to write more about the model sometime, but I learned it from Jody.  Basically, Circumstances trigger Thoughts which create our Feelings, which create our Actions, which create our Results. The result points back to the thought. So if I want a different result with something in my life then I need to change my thought.)  

Current: 

Circumstance: Interaction with Bertha

Thought: Bertha doesn't want to be real friends with me. She just puts on a show.

Feeling: Insecure

Action: Talk about myself a lot, trying to convince her to like me.

Result: Bertha gets annoyed with me and disengages and distances herself.  She isn't interested in being real friends with me.

Change to: 

Circumstance: Interaction with Bertha

Thought: I am going to be a good friend and focus on Bertha instead of me.

Feeling: Secure, loving, encouraging

Action: I am a good listener and friend.

Result: Bertha feels loved and valued

and then to: 

Circumstance: Bertha feels loved and valued in our friendship and through our interactions

Thought: I am a good friend.

Feeling: Confident, secure, kind

Action: I show up as a good friend (good listener, inviter, includer, server, etc.)

Result: Bertha and I have a genuine friendship and we both feel valuable and loved.

To turn the thought around, I had to do three things:

a) to the self: 

I don't want to be real friends with me. I just put on a show.

b) to the other: 

I don't want to be real friends with Bertha. I just put on a show.

c) to the opposite: 

Bertha does want to be real friends with me. She doesn't put on a show.

This whole exercise was pretty eye opening. It made me realize a lot of things.  Here are the main ones: 

One, I think I am more insecure than I thought I was and that feeling drives some (a lot?) of my actions, especially with my friendships (and not just with Bertha, but with all of my friends to one degree or another.)

Two, I keep expecting Bertha to be a genuine friend to me, but I am not really a genuine friend to her. I want her to listen (really listen) to me and to be interested in me, but I don't listen (really listen) to her and I'm not really interested in her. Basically, I'm a hypocrite.

Three, I have more power in this situation than I realized before. It's all in my thinking. I need to change my thought from "Bertha doesn't want to be real friends with me" to "I want to be a real friend to Bertha." Again, it's just like what I've been trying to work on this week and change about myself. When I am self-centered that doesn't make me happy. Being focused on others is where true happiness comes from.

All of this reminds me of this short Mormon Message video.

"Are we looking through a window which needs cleaning? Are we making judgments when we don't have all the facts? 

Said the Savior, "Why beholdest thou the mote that is in my brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" 

Or, to paraphrase, why beholdest thou what you think is dirty laundry at your neighbor's house but considerest not the soiled window in your own house? There's really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: "Judge not."" (Thomas S. Monson)

I hope that sharing all of this was helpful for at least one of you and I would highly recommend checking out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and plugging your situations into the CTFAR model.  You will find clarity, power, and freedom.

I've got some work to do myself, but I'm glad that I can see the solution more clearly now. :)

Giving the Glory to God: Being an Instrument in God's Hands

When I was reading my scriptures one morning last week, this verse stood out to me... 

"But, behold, my Beloved Son, which was my beloved and chosen from the beginning, said unto me - Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever." (Moses 4:2) 

I know that there are multiple scripture verses that talk about his concept of giving the glory to God. In fact, we offend God when we don't confess His hand in all things.

"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments." (D&C 59:21)

And even though I believe in the truthfulness of this, I feel like it is a common internal battle to understand why I am supposed to give all of the glory to God. God isn't physically here on the earth, so it's my hands that are physically doing the work, but yet the glory belongs to Him.  And I'll admit that I have sometimes had a hard time knowing why and how to give all of the glory to God when I feel like I "deserve" (pridefully) some ownership and credit as well.  I'm sure I'm not the only one that struggles with these thoughts sometimes.  

But what I am realizing is that when I recognize that I am just the instrument, then I can wholeheartedly give the glory to God.  And there is still some room for recognizing my part - the part that I played as the instrument.  My mindset changes from "Look at what I created!  I'm so cool/smart/talented/etc." to "God is amazing.  He gave me what I needed and I did His will.  I played my part to help bring to pass God's purposes. (and even that confidence and courage that I have and used came from God.)"

I am not the message, I am just the messenger.  I am not the source.  I am just the instrument.  I really shouldn't even include the word just.  The message can't be delivered without the messenger.  And the source needs the instrument to produce a creation.  The messenger and instrument play a very important part.  

I was thinking about what an instrument is.  Here are a few of the definitions:

1. a device used to produce music; also : a singing voice
2. a means whereby something is achieved, performed, or furthered 
3. one used by another as a means or aid 

Photo by Elijah Henderson on Unsplash

Let's look at the first definition for a minute - a device used to produce music (musical instrument). At first glance, it may look like the sound is coming from the instrument, but it isn't. The instrument on its own cannot make music (except for those self-playing pianos. But can we even call that a true instrument? For me at least, the music may sound pretty, but when I come around the corner and see that it isn't being played by a real person, it loses value and beauty). 

The true source of the music is the musician - the person that is playing the instrument. The instrument is just the messenger. The source of sound (breath, fingers, hands etc.) comes from the musician and then it goes through the instrument so that the sound can then be organized and shared with others.  Without the source (the musician), the instrument is useless and can't produce music. The instrument is very important as well though.  Without the instrument, the music doesn't happen.     

Now let's look at the second and third definitions - a means whereby something is achieved, performed, or furthered; one used by another as a means or aid.  

"I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it. I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy." (Alma 29:9)

"And thus they were instruments in the hands of God in bringing many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, to the knowledge of their Redeemer." (Mosiah 27:36)  

God puts ideas, insights, and inspirations into me and then I am the instrument that organizes the matter, creates something with it, and then can share it out for others to benefit from. The original message isn't from me though. We don't believe in ex nihilo creation - creation "out of nothing". The matter comes from God.     

Source (God) --------> Instrument (Me) ---------> Creation

I was thinking about how Jesus Christ created the heavens and the earth.  The creation was under the direction of Heavenly Father. Christ did the work, but He gave the glory to Heavenly Father. Again, we don't believe in creation "out of nothing".  Jesus Christ didn't create the heavens and the earth from nothing. He took matter that already existed and organized it into worlds.  Christ was not the source.  He was the instrument.  And because of this, He gave the glory to the Father.  

Photo by Robson Hatsukami Morgan on Unsplash

I find it interesting that the words inspiration and insight start with the word in.  To me, that implies that something is coming in.  And if something is coming in then it doesn't come from us - it comes from outside of us.  If we break up the word inspire, we get in and spir(e).  Spir or Spiro is latin and defined as "to breathe".  So if we add the prefix, in, inspiration means "to breathe in".  We can't breathe in (physically, spiritually, mentally) something that doesn't already exist.  It has to exist outside of ourselves in order for us to breathe it in.  Meaning, we are not the source.      

I also read that insight means "inner sight, mental vision, and wisdom."  To me it implies looking inward and seeing something that was already there. It doesn't come from you. It's not new. You just now have the eyes and light to be able to see it more clearly than before.

So basically what I am getting at with all of this is that the glory belongs to the Source.  And the source is not me - it's God.  But I do play a very important part.  God does need me.  He needs me to be an instrument in His hands.  He needs me to be in tune (as in instrument and with the Spirit.)  He needs me to show up for the job.  He needs me to "breathe in" His instructions and "supplies".  He needs me to organize the matter that He's given to me and create something beautiful.  And He needs me to put that creation out into the world so that His work can be accomplished.

"For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39)

And throughout this entire process, He commands me to confess His hand in all things and to give the glory to Him.  Because I can't create something from nothing.     

Up-leveling My Marriage: Becoming a Wife for Life (and a Giveaway!)

Last night I got to meet someone that has had a big impact on my life lately - Ramona Zabriskie. She's my marriage mentor. :)  She came to Utah (from Washington) and did a presentation in West Jordan last night.  

I first heard about Ramona last October during the Power of Moms online Mom Conference.  The interview was called "Your Power to Succeed in Marriage" and I almost didn't watch it.  I was just going to watch another one about parenting but then I felt drawn to Ramona's interview so I decided to watch it.  And I'm so glad I did. :)

I loved the little bits of wisdom that Ramona shared during her interview so after it was over I immediately ordered her book, Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage.  It came in the mail a couple days later and I started reading it.  I read it slowly (like I read most books) and tried to digest as much as I could.  

Here's what I wrote in my journal...

January 3, 2017

Oh...I'm not sure if I've mentioned this much before, but I've been reading this book called "Wife For Life" by Ramona Zabriskie. I started it in the middle of October and I'm almost done with it. I've mostly just been reading it in the van while I wait to pick up L from school, so it's taken me a while...like most books. It has been so eye opening and inspiring. I have learned so much. There is so much to take in and practice. Since finding out about the book, I've known about Ramona's additional resource, called "Wife for Life University." It is a 10 week course, where there are live online classes, once a week, with Ramona, her TAs, and a few classmates. There are also weekly videos (that aren't live,) study guides, journal prompts, TA support, etc. It is a way to really dive deeper into the content and learn even more how to put the principles and ideas into practice. It is a way to get real life questions answered and hear the stories and advice from the other classmates.

Anyway, even though W4LU sounded intriguing, when I looked it up before, it was pretty expensive, so I thought to myself," maybe someday, but not anytime soon." Well, tonight when I was feeding R, I was checking my e-mail and noticed that I had an email from Ramona (I'm just on her e-mail list.) She was inviting me to be a part of W4LU for this upcoming semester (it starts on January 11th.) There was a video that talked about W4LU and what it was about and testimonials, etc. Then at the end, there was a special offer to get a discount on the enrollment price. I started thinking really seriously about it and decided that I wanted to enroll. 

Even though I think that our marriage is going pretty well at the moment, and in general, we have always had a pretty good marriage, I do think that what I've learned from her book has been really valuable and I would love to internalize the principles and ideas in more depth. I think that it would be great to get to really dive into this material. And I think it's worth the investment in our marriage. I'm gonna be a wife for the rest of eternity. It'd be nice to get some more in depth education on the matter. Ramona talks a lot about creating a Grand marriage... not just good, or great, but Grand. The kind of marriage where you are each other's true intimates and dream makers. The kind of marriage where you are a real influence for good in the world. I want that kind of marriage. I don't just want an average marriage. Or just a good one. I want a true, solid, deep connection with J, and a marriage that makes our family, and the world a better place.

So, I was a little bit hesitant, but I approached J about it tonight when he was cleaning up the kitchen. He was a bit apprehensive about how much it costs, but he told me that I could go ahead and do it if I wanted to. So, I did it. I signed up for the class. I'm excited, but also a bit nervous. I'm nervous for the live classes since I'm an introvert and I don't really know how to interact with people sometimes...especially people I've never met before. But I think that it will be good to form more friendships and get to discuss these ideas with other women.

So that's what I did.  I took my first semester of Wife for Life University.  And I loved it.  Like I mentioned, I learned a lot from reading the book for the first time, but that learning was greatly deepened through taking the online class.  Taking the class was great motivation to really practice the principles and tools.  I did a lot of journaling with the prompts that Ramona gave me and those helped me to get to know myself, J, and our marriage better.  I also got to connect with other women that want to be intentional about their marriages. Even though our marriage was pretty good before, there is always room for improvement and we made a lot of progress.

It only took me a few weeks into the first semester to decide that I wanted to attend W4LU again the next semester.  It's the same content every time, but a lot of students attend for more than one semester because it's just so great.  Plus, you get a significant discount on tuition for subsequent semesters, so that definitely helps.  :)  

This is what I wrote in my journal at the end of my first semester...

March 13, 2017

I don't feel like I have experienced anything that feels major at the moment - but I do feel like I have changed by a few degrees (and J has too) and that, I believe, has set us on a different course. I imagine that we are going to look back someday and be able to see how this semester of me taking this class and learning these things is something that made a big impact. I feel like it has changed my direction, ever so slightly in some ways, but the impact will be big. Just like how an airplane can completely change is destination just by changing a few degrees. I have made progress in becoming a pioneer woman and in accommodating accomplishment. I have gained a deeper appreciation for J and what he brings to our marriage. I have had a lot of perspective changes and paradigm shifts.

I feel like I am only at the beginning of this process though. I still have so much to learn and so far to grow. But I feel like I have a toolbox full of tools now and that is so empowering.

So after a few weeks break, I took my second semester of W4LU.  Again, I loved it.  I learned even more and experienced even more growth and positive change.  And again, I knew that I wanted to sign up to attend again next semester.

This is what I wrote in my journal at the end of my second semester...

June 7, 2017

Where am I at the end of this second semester of wife for life university? Well, sometimes it's hard to know if we are just in a good spot right now, but things are going great. I feel like our connection and friendship have really deepened. I feel J being drawn to me. I see and feel us as greater partners. I have seen positive changes in me, in him, and in us. I feel that we are on the path towards a grand marriage.   

We are currently on summer break, but I am attending W4LU (for the 3rd time) this Fall.  I'm excited to experience even more growth and depth this next semester and to continue developing friendships with Ramona and the other women in my class.

Some things that I love about Wife for Life...

My marriage was good before I discovered Wife for Life (definitely not perfect though, and year 7 was pretty rough at times and our hardest year so far), but it is even better now. I can't tell you how many times in the past couple months that I have experienced some of those "feeling truly cherished" moments. Our marriage has become even deeper and greater since starting W4LU. Remember how J was a little bit hesitant about me enrolling in W4LU the first time because it was kind of expensive? Well, now he tells me that its one of the best investments I've ever made.   

It's so interesting to me too because I don't feel like I have made major changes. I feel like I have just had a lot of mindset shifts and that has subtly shifted my actions and has benefited our marriage greatly.

I love that Wife for Life teaches that it's about the power that I have, as the wife, to influence my marriage for good (or bad) and to succeed.  I sometimes hear comments like "why isn't there a Husband for Life book?"  And yes, maybe someday Ramona will write one of those, and that will be great.  But I'm personally glad that there is a Wife for Life book because I am a wife.  The only person that I have control over is myself.  So I love that I have this awesome resource that teaches me a lot about myself, about my husband, and about how to use my power for good.  

J and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and we have commented to each other a lot lately how this year has been our best yet.  I am sure that this has been influenced greatly by my quest to be a wife for life. :) 

I would highly, highly, highly recommend reading Ramona's book.  And I would also highly (times 10)  recommend enrolling in Wife for Life University.  I promise that it's worth every penny.  

And you know what?  I want to give away a copy of Ramona's book. :)  If you want to enter, just share this post and then leave a comment.  I'll put you in a little random drawing and I'll send the winner a copy of the book. :)     

My Story: Discovering My Passion for Personal Growth (Part 2)

*You can find part 1 here

Photo by Michał Gałężewski on Unsplash

So initially, my passion for personal growth stemmed from a desire to have a positive birth experience with my 3rd baby.  But another thing that had been something that I thought about and stressed about a lot was my fear of driving.  (you can read the details of that story here.) For a few years, I had been trying to understand myself and why I had this fear and how I could get past it.  But I just hadn't found the right answers yet.  

  

A couple weeks after E was born, I went to a Relief Society activity. This lady from LDS Family Services came to talk to us about this personality assessment called Persogenics. The purpose of the activity was to help us understand ourselves and our spouse's personalities better so we could strengthen our marriages.

 *my notes

When the lady was explaining the different personality types, she talked about what each one was motivated by. When she got to the Amiable one, she said that they are motivated by peace. That was like a light bulb moment for me. 1. I have been drawn to things that talk about peace and peacemakers ever since my patriarchal blessing. 2. I was in still very much in the middle of my driving fears and really resonated with the idea that I was motivated by peace. I wanted to get over my fears so I could feel peace, but I also knew that keeping internal peace (and not getting super stressed out and anxious) usually meant me just avoiding the driving thing all together.  

I think that this Persogenics activity made me really interested in personality tests and how they offered me glimpses of myself that I had never really noticed or been able to explain before. It was only a few months later that I ran across Carol Tuttle's work of Energy Profiling. This gave me even more detail about who I am, how I think, how I move through the world. Overtime, I am learning more and more about what it means to be a peacemaker (in general and for me personally) and why I am one (and how I can strengthen those gifts that are inside me.)

I really enjoyed using the Hypnobabies birthing method - mostly because of the peace that I found when I used the techniques. Actually, a big part of it is controlling the pain by breathing into the areas that are feeling the discomfort/pressure/pain and repeating "peace" over and over again. 

I have also come to find overtime that I really am motivated by peace. I am sure that this is probably true for most people, but I definitely find it to be true for me. If I am not feeling at peace inside (if I'm stressed about something, if I'm worried, if I am feeling off physically, etc.) I am not a very nice person to be around. I snap at the kids (and J) more easily, I can't think about anything except for the thing that is stressing me out, etc.  Or I don't even know what is stressing me out because it's under the surface, but I know that there is something going on because I don't feel at peace. When I feel at peace inside, my life goes so much smoother and I am such a better version of myself.

When I am feeling stressed or worried about something, I will often say a prayer and ask Heavenly Father to "speak peace to my soul." I don't remember where I first heard this phrase, but when I heard it, it really stuck out to me and I have adopted it as my own.

So I feel like I have been on a quest for several years to discover how to bring more peace into my life.  One, so I can better understand how to fulfill my role as a peacemaker, and two so I can have more peace in my own soul.  I know that true peace comes from Jesus Christ.  He is the source of peace.  He is the Prince of Peace. But I often struggle with the how when it comes to accessing that peace.  I believe that Heavenly Father gives us tools to work with that can give us more access to the peace of Jesus Christ.  My quest for personal growth has led me to some of those tools, and it has also strengthened my testimony and ability to better use some of the tools that I already had.     

In April 2015, I was browsing Facebook one day and ran across a post by Mark Bacera about the morning routine that he had been doing.  (side note, Mark and my husband are good friends and grew up together in Guam.)

I normally just scroll on past after skimming people's posts, but this time I remember feeling really drawn to what Mark mentioned.  So I clicked on the link that went to his blog where he was recording his journey with the "Miracle Morning" ritual.  I read a few of his posts and instantly felt intrigued and wanted to try this morning routine out for myself.

I immediately ordered the book, The Miracle Morning, that his routine was based off of and when the book came a couple days later I dove in and read it.  The book was really motivating and I started getting up early (5:00 am) so that I could do the morning routine.  I fell in love with waking up early and spending time on personal growth before my kids woke up.  Sure, getting out of bed wasn't always easy and there were plenty of mornings (still are) where I wanted to just keep pressing snooze and sleep in, but I didn't.  I pushed through and woke up early anyway.  And I have never regretted it.

In a lot of ways, this morning routine was phase 2 of discovering my passion for personal growth.  Porter's birth got the ball rolling (but I didn't really recognize it until 18 months later) but The Miracle Morning gave that ball a big push.  It helped to engrain in me a strong desire to improve and to always be learning and growing and working on becoming better. I have now been doing this routine (adapted to me personally, and its been different at different stages (pregnancy and newborn phases)) for 2+ years.  I love it.

I have experienced so much growth from this daily ritual.  I have been led to many resources and tools that have blessed my life, including resources and paradigm shifts that helped me to progress and heal from my driving fears.  I have come to know myself in much deeper ways than I ever did before and that has been liberating, healing, motivating, and exciting.

Soon I plan to write a few posts that talk about the details of this morning routine.  If you want the details sooner than that, feel free to e-mail me at goodmorningshelly@gmail.com.  I have a document all typed up and ready to send to you that outlines the routine and the details of it.    



*Mark actually went on to write his own book called The Latter-Day Morning, which is based off the same routine as The Miracle Morning, but adapted for a Mormon audience.  I really enjoyed Mark's book and gained additional insights from it and I would highly recommend it as well.     

Turn on Your Flashlight: Don't Shrink.

Photo by Dino Reichmuth on Unsplash

I was just reading my scriptures and these verses stood out to me because of the thoughts that are currently going through my mind (*side note... I love it when I have scripture study moments like these...where what I am reading is exactly what I needed to read at that moment)...

1 Nephi 9:

2 And now, as I have spoken concerning these plates, behold they are not the plates upon which I make a full account of the history of my people; for the plates upon which I make a full account of my people I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates of Nephi. 

3 Nevertheless, I have received a commandment of the Lord that I should make these plates, for the special purpose that there should be an account engraven of the ministry of my people. 

4 Upon the other plates should be engraven an account of the reign of the kings, and the wars and contentions of my people; wherefore these plates are for the more part of the ministry; and the other plates are for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions of my people. 

5 Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not. 

6 But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

Part of me worries that on this blog I will come across in a way that "makes" people feel bad about themselves, because I will look like I have it all together and all figured out. My siblings used to tease me and call me a "goodie two-shoes" (side note... I never really knew where that phrase came from but wikipedia says "The History of Little Goody Two-Shoes is a children's story published by John Newbery in London in 1765. The story popularized the phrase "goody two-shoes", often used to describe an excessively virtuous person, a do-gooder.") I never liked it when my siblings would call me that.  I don't like being viewed that way. 

I do like doing good and working on becoming better. I don't like being viewed as someone who thinks they are better than other people. Because I don't. I'm just trying to live my life and do the best that I know how. And I am trying to share the light and knowledge that I have because maybe someone else would benefit. I have made a lot of positive changes in my life because of other people's stories that they shared and tools that they've taught. So in a way, I feel like I am just paying it forward. 

I also worry that people will think this because they will mostly read about my positive thoughts and life experiences. That doesn't mean that my life is all butterflies and unicorns. Believe me, some days  (more like some moments of every day) it's far from that. I get angry. I say irrational and ridiculous things to my kids (and to other people). J and I fight sometimes. I am moody (a lot). The list could go on and on. 

But, like Nephi says in these verses, this set of "plates" (this blog) isn't the space where I am focusing on those things. Nephi says "Upon the other plates should be engraven an account of the reign of the kings, and the wars and contentions of my people; wherefore these plates are for the more part of the ministry; and the other plates are for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions of my people."

Oh, there are plenty of "wars and contentions of my people" at my house (and in my head), but this (my blog) isn't really the space where I record about those, at least not excessively. I do record some of those things, but If I wrote down all of them (so that I could paint a complete, total, and realistic picture of my life), the important messages that I really wanted to get across would just get lost in all of the drama and chaos. And would that really serve anyone? 

Yes, maybe it would "make" people feel like "oh look! Shelly's life is a wreck just like mine! Looks like we're all in the pits." Great. We feel equal now. But now what? We just all sit in the dark room together and hold hands because everyone is afraid to turn their flashlight on in the fear that everyone else will be jealous or think negatively about us because we aren't sharing the darkness anymore? "Who do you think you are? Turning on your light. Now you're "making" me feel bad because I don't have a flashlight (or I'm just too afraid to turn mine on because then I won't be just like everyone else anymore.)" 

Nephi does record some of the wars and contentions of his people, but he doesn't write about those things excessively. On these particular plates, he focuses on the goodness of God. On the tender mercies.  And on the light and joy and peace.

  

This blog is a place where I write about light. The dawn. The morning. Moments of peace and clarity and joy. Moments where I felt freed from the darkness. Moments of growth. 

So please forgive me if I don't write about all of the darkness in my life - if I'm not "real" (i.e. pessimistic) enough on this blog. The truth is, these are not the plates where I write of those things. These plates are titled "Good Morning Shelly" (or currently, Lo Dawn...soon to be re-named. :)) Those plates are titles "The Book of Shelly - a complete history, including all the raw, dirty, drama, darkness, poop-stained moments of life" (or something like that. :)) 

This reminds me of one of my current favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson: 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

Amen!  Preach it, Marianne!  

  

Let's not shrink just so other people won't feel insecure around us. Let's go shine our lights so that all can benefit.

So if you need permission to turn on your flashlight, I'm here to give it to you.  You are brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous.  You are a child of God.  Play big!  Serve the world.  You are meant to shine.  You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you.  It's not just in a select few (or even everyone else but you,) it is in YOU.  And as you let your light shine, you will unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  

Let's all turn on our flashlights.  This world could always use more light.  

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Journal Keeping: Rapid-Fire Inspiration

Photo by Alejandro Escamilla on Unsplash

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am passionate about record keeping.  I'm sure that over time I will write plenty of posts that talk about the importance of keeping a journal.  :)

I love keeping a journal where I can record the happenings from my everyday life.  I have heard many people say that they don't keep a journal because they think that it'll be boring for someone (or their future self) to read someday because their life "isn't very interesting."  I have had this thought before as well.  But a few years ago I compiled my personal history (see, I told you I am passionate about record keeping.  haha.)  It was comprised of memories, journal entries, and photos from my birth up until that point in my life (age 23.)  Maybe someday I'll do an entire post about compiling my personal history.  

But anyway, when I was going through my journal entries and gathering what I wanted to include in my book, I of course read a lot of entries about my everyday happenings.  And while I will admit that not all of the journal entries were thrilling or exciting, they all helped to paint a picture of what my life was like at different stages.  And the seemingly "boring" and mundane entries were actually interesting in their own way.  They brought back memories of what my days were like, just the everyday moments.  Things that I had forgotten about, even though it had only been a few years since then.  So that's my little plug for keeping a journal, even if you think your life is boring.      

But besides just writing about the ins and outs and mundane pieces of my everyday life, I also love to write about the things that I am learning and how I am growing and changing.  I love to record my random thoughts and insights about anything and everything.  

I go through phases where I write in my journal really consistently and then the habit kind of falls away and I am more sporadic with my entries.  I happen to be on a good streak right now.  I've written everyday for almost a year (352 days so far.)  Some of these entries are short and only mention a couple of small things.  Some are really long and detailed.

I do enjoy writing about what happened that day, but those kinds of entries have been a little less frequent over that past few months.  Instead, I have really been into recording my thoughts about the things that I am learning (through my personal growth educational pursuits and also through practicing these skills/tools/concepts.  This also includes spiritual experiences.)    

Something that I have really been noticing though is that the more consistently I write in my journal (especially when I am recording my thoughts about what I am learning and experiences that I am having), the more I have what I call "rapid-fire inspiration."  This is where I just have so many thoughts and insights (about the gospel, about life, about learning and growth, etc.) that I can't even write them down fast enough.  I actually keep a list on my phone where I write down "journal about... [insert random thing that I just had an insight about]."  And then I make the time (during my morning routine, or during nap time in the afternoon) to write in my journal about these thoughts/insights.  That is actually where most of the posts on this blog have come from - those journal entries where I just sat down and recorded my thoughts/insights about a topic I was thinking about.  

And sure, some of these thoughts/insights don't seem super important or vital to my salvation.  But I find that they give me passion for learning and for seeking and discovering the mysteries of God - however big or small those mysteries are.  

I also think that its a way to practice receiving revelation and inspiration from the Holy Ghost.  I feel that I'm showing God that I care about what He has to say to me.  I care enough to write those thoughts/insights down because I want to remember them.

And many times I have gone back to these journal entries and connected (seemingly random) thoughts that I had before (and had written down) with thoughts that I am having currently.  It is like putting together a puzzle.  Sometimes Heavenly Father gives me one piece of the puzzle (a bit of inspiration/insight) and then another piece a while (days, weeks, months, years) later.  If I have written down the first (and subsequent) puzzle pieces then I add those to the new puzzles pieces that I am currently receiving.  I can then piece these insights together and they start to take some shape and show me more of the picture of what is going on.  This is one way that I have really come to know myself at a deeper level.  And that self-knowing has benefited my life in numerous ways.      

Photo by Hans-Peter Gauster on Unsplash

I found this quote and I really feel like it speaks to what I am trying to say....

"Referring to the Holy Ghost, Joseph Smith said, “If you will listen to the first promptings, you will get it right nine times out of ten.” How often have you had an impression and rationalized it away as your own thought? For instance, when faced with a particular challenge or problem, an impression might come as to what to do about it. Instead of acting on that prompting, many of us second- and third-guess the prompting and begin to doubt that it actually came from the Spirit.  

One of our problems is we do not pay attention to the Lord when He whispers to us on seemingly insignificant things. Then when something big comes along and we really want inspiration, we’re out of practice and don’t know how to receive it. 

President Harold B. Lee counseled, “All of us should try to . . . give heed to the sudden ideas that come to us, and if we’ll give heed to them and cultivate an ear to hear these promptings we too—each of us—can grow in the spirit of revelation” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Harold B. Lee [Melchizedek Priesthood and Relief Society course of study, 2000], 51)."  (*source)

Oh, and one thing that makes consistent (and more detailed) journaling soooo much easier for me is that I type my journal entries instead of handwriting them.  I looooovvveee a handwritten journal just as much as the next guy.  But for that past 7 years I have been typing my journal entries instead and I have really loved it.  I used a company called jrnl.com.  They are so awesome.  I get my journal printed into a book (super easy, no work involved, just order it through their site) every few years or so (or however often I feel like printing it.)  I also keep a journal for each of my kids (since they were each born) and I use jrnl.com for their journals as well.  And then I just print them every few years.  Even though my kids are still young (7,5,3, and 1) they already love reading (or having me read to them) their journal entries that I've kept for them over the years.    

So that's my plug - one of many- for keeping a journal. :)  

It's Not About Me: Self-Care and Service

Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash

I've been thinking about self-care and service a lot lately. I've been trying to figure out how they go together and why we need both of them. In thinking about this, I have been a little confused about the "give, give, give. Give your all in service to others" concept. To me that kind of teaches that everyone else is more important and deserves more than you.  It makes us feel like our needs don't matter and that we are supposed to just take care of everyone else and just serve others to death, at the expense of our own energy and needs. And I think that kind of breeds victim and martyrdom feelings. And also, are you even able to give high quality and meaningful service if you are so burnt out? If you are not important or deserving, but everyone else supposedly is, then how can you give love? If we don't love ourselves, do we really feel that we can give love to others? 

I've been thinking about how this balances with the concept of putting on your oxygen mask first.

"As I’ve flown, I’ve noted as we commence to take off from the airport, a flight attendant will arise and among other things will say, “Now, if we lose air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will descend from overhead. If you’re caring for young children or someone with a disability, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.” Why would the flight attendant say that? Obviously, if you’re unconscious, you can’t help anyone else. So it is with our service to humankind and our service in the Church and in our professions. If we don’t strengthen ourselves, we will never be in a position to strengthen others."  *source 

I fully believe in taking time for ourselves.  I love my self-care time.  I feel like it is vital for my sanity and I'm also passionate about personal growth.

"President Hinckley has also taught that we have a fourfold responsibility—to our families, to our employers, to the Lord, and to ourselves. He has counseled us to “take some time to do a little meditating, to do a little exercise.”  *source 

Photo by kosal ley on Unsplash 

But I also feel like "too much" self-care can become selfish, or at least too much self-care with the wrong focus. So here's what I've been learning as I contemplate all of this...

Self-care is not about me - not in a selfish "I deserve this. I have been taking care of all you people so I need a break and time to myself" kind of way. I think there is some truth in that statement, but not all the way (which is how Satan works, right? Mixes in some truth with some lies). Self-care is about taking the time to fill your cup so that you have some to give. It is really about being able to give back to those around you with abundance.

I think that another way that Satan tries to lie about self-care is he likes to make us feel like we deserve time to ourselves.  We deserve a break.  And while, yes, I do feel like downtime and relaxation is necessary and healthy, I feel like Satan has twisted this and turned this downtime and relaxation time into selfishness and idleness time.  Watching a (wholesome) TV show here and there, I think that's fine.  It can be a way to decompress after a long day, to just be entertained for a bit and enjoy life, or to bond with a friend or family member.  But binge watching shows on netflix?  Is that really wholesome self-care?  In my opinion, no.  Of course, the content of the show might make a difference here, but in general I feel that it's idleness.          

Self-care is definitely required and necessary and healthy. But I'm leaning towards the belief that paradoxically, the focus of our self-care should not actually be on the self. The care of self should not be the end, it should be the means to an end.

The focus should be on bettering the self for the purpose of being a better disciple of Christ - a disciple that has service and love to give to others. It's about consecrating our performance (both the service preparation (self-care) and the service itself) to the building up of the kingdom of God and the establishment of Zion. It's about keeping in mind who we are working for. We are working for God, not ourselves. We are on God's team. He needs each of us to do our part in sharing goodness and light so that the people around us can come to know Him better and receive more joy. Self-care is about preparing and learning and strengthening ourselves so that when God needs us (which will be more often if we are willing and prepared), we are ready and prepared to help. We have the tools in our belt. 

I've always been a little confused about the scripture verses that talk about if you save your life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life, you will save it. But these new thoughts (that I just discussed) have been helping me to understand those scripture verses better.  I also just ran across this quote from President Monson (from the October 2009 General Conference talk "What Have I Done For Someone Today.")

"The Savior taught His disciples, “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it” (Luke 9:24). I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives."

The purpose of life - of my life (and every other individual's life) is to become like God and to help those around us to become like God. If we are only focused on ourselves and our own needs and we aren't consecrating our performance to God, then we really miss out on the entire purpose of why we are alive. When you lose yourself (and focus your service on others, with the purpose of being an instrument in God's hands), then you really find yourself because you are living your life purpose. And there is more of you to find. That last line "while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish - and in effect save their lives" stood out to me. The first thought that came to mind when I thought about growing and flourishing is "we fill the measure of our creation." 

When I was just typing out the name of that General Conference talk, the title of it stuck out to me and I felt an emphasis on the word for. "What have I done for Someone Today?" I do a lot of things everyday. I do a lot of "service" to take care of my kids and family and home. And I also do some "service" that affects other people (family, friends, neighbors, etc.) But how much of that service am I really doing for them? How often is my focus really on them instead of on me. The answer is that most of the time it's not on them. Most of the time I just go through the motions and do the things that I need to do to keep everything running relatively smoothly. Or I do the service so that I can practice being more Christlike. But I don't focus on who I am doing those things for. And I think that adversely affects not only the degree that my service impacts the one that I am serving, but also it negatively impacts my own "finding of myself." 

I also think that in consecrating our performance to God, we find evidence for God's overflowing love for us and we come to love ourselves more as well. He wants us to fill the measure of our creation. He wants us to fulfill our purpose (which is to become like Him.) And the best way we can do that is to serve others with the focus on being an instrument in His hands. Think about what kind of ultimate and righteous self-esteem that produces when we know that God is able to use us to build up the kingdom because we are worthy and prepared. Of course, God's love for us never changes. He loves us no matter what - no matter how good or bad we are, no matter how much or how little we serve Him (and our fellow men.) But the way we view and love ourselves definitely changes according to our actions. And serving God, and knowing that you are being an instrument in His hands to bring about His work and glory - now that is something that really gives you some high, wholesome self-esteem (of course if you stay humble about the whole thing and remember your purpose, and that it's not about you). 

Here are a couple of experiences from the past couple weeks that have made me think about all of this more...

When I was listening to Jody's podcast a couple weeks ago, what she said at the beginning really stuck out to me. She was talking about the "Meant for Joy" presentation that she did in Salt Lake (that I got to go to) and this is what she said...

"It was so wonderful to meet all of you guys. But here's what was interesting about that. My brain kind of went on a "shame attack" after that. Like "who do you think you are? All these people want to meet you and take their picture with you like you're something special. You are not anything special." I want you to know that my brain does that thing as well. And I am very aware that I am nothing special and I think I have that reaction sometimes because I'm really not trying to create any kind of celebrity status around myself and so when people treat me that way it feels very out of alignment with who I'm really wanting to be and how I view myself. But what really helps me get back on track is to just remind my brain "none of this is about you. Just relax. This line of people that want to stand in line and come meet you, that has nothing to do with you. That has to do with you happen to be the messenger of some tools that are really helpful to them so they connect you to those tools but it's something about them, it's not about you." That is something that always brings me peace. And really, I don't view this as something that I'm doing. I view it that I am part of a team and those of you that listen and carry on this work and share it with others, we are all part of a team. Working together with a group of like minded people towards a cause is really rewarding and fulfilling to me. That's really how I view it is that we are all trying to carry this work out together."

I really resonated with what she said about how she is just the messenger. It's not about her, it's about the people that she is helping. She doesn't desire fame or recognition. She just wants to help as many people as she can. 

Another experience that caused me to reflect on this topic was the other day when I happened to hear a few of the songs from the 2017 Mutual album (for youth) and this one in particular stood out to me. It's called "It's Not About You."

So to sum this all up, our life purpose is to become like God and to help others to become like God.  And I feel that the best way to do that is through preparing ourselves (through purposeful and intentional self-care) and giving back through service to others - remembering that the focus for our service is on those that we serve (and ultimately, on God.)

This is something that I really want to shift my mindset on. Something that I have been doing lately is that before I start my routine each morning, I have been starting it off by saying a little prayer where I tell Heavenly Father that I am dedicating this morning's routine to Him and I ask him to consecrate it for my good so that I can be a better instrument in His hands.  I also ask Him to consecrate my performance that day to Him and His purposes.