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Disciplining kids is tricky business. We have tried several approaches in the past (rewards, taking away money, taking away privileges for long periods of time, taking away toys, time outs, extra jobs, etc.) These approaches seem to work for a little while, but they quickly stop being effective, and usually just result in a lot of contention in our house. And on top of that, even if I feel justified in enforcing these punishments in the heat of the moment, but I often end up feeling bad about it later. I often feel a sense of guilt and regret my overreaction, and being too hard on my kids. Does anyone else feel this way?
I am coming to realize the reason why these kinds of punishments make me feel this way. I think that I feel bad about them after the fact (and sometimes even in the heat of the moment,) because they are just punishments. They don't actually teach my kids anything. On the surface, it appears that they are learning, but really I think they are just stopping that bad behavior in the moment, out of fear, and not out of true understanding.
Then we end up with a couple of possible scenarios. Maybe the bad behavior is minimized. And we think that's great! Parenting success! But this success is short lived. And is it really a success if the motivation behind it is that they are just afraid of the punishment? Is that what I really want to instill in my children? Is that really healthy for their overall (especially spiritual, mental, and emotional) development?
Another option is that the bad behavior just continues, or even gets worse, because they don't really understand the reason why they should be changing. And then we are all just left feeling frustrated and defeated.
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Well, we're changing things up around here. We're trying to base discipline more in teaching discipleship and less in enforcing unproductive punishments. We're working towards turning our home into a house of learning.
"And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith. Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;" (Doctrine and Covenants 88:118-119)
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Recently (about 6 weeks ago), J and I started experimenting with a new discipline/teaching strategy with our kids. This has applied mostly to our boys (ages 7 and 5) so far since the girls are a bit too young still. We are still working on figuring out some strategies to use with E (our 3 year old) that are better for her age.
This method/approach is based on a quote by Boyd K. Packer that says:
"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."
I have heard that quote several times before, but when I heard it again a couple months ago, it clicked more than it ever had before. And it inspired me to change some things. So we've been transitioning from our typical punishments (that I listed off), to teaching gospel doctrine to our kids so that they understand and improve their behavior because of that understanding.
Like I mentioned, we started this discipline/teaching strategy about 6 weeks ago, but over the past couple weeks we have been tweaking it and refining it and I feel like we have come to a good, well rounded place with it. I'm sure that we will continue to tweak and refine it even more over time.
As part of this teaching of doctrine, we have been having our two oldest kids write scripture verses to help them learn some of the doctrine that would help them to improve certain behaviors. For the most part, this has been going pretty well.
We would assign them to write the verse a specified amount of times and then they could have their privileges (pretty much all free time activities like reading, screen time, playing with toys, etc.) back.
We would have them teach us about the verse(s) and what it means, during Family Home Evening.
This is all based off of that quote by Boyd K. Packer, and also based on this scripture verse...
"And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God." (Alma 31:5)
There is virtue and power in the word of God.
Well, last week the boys were fighting so I told them that they must not have understood the scripture that they wrote about kindness so they would have to write it again.
A light bulb came on in my mind and I decided to modify our technique a bit. After writing the scripture for the specified amount of times, they would have to come show me that they completed it. Then they would have to recite the verse from memory as best as they could. After that, they would have to write down what the scripture means / what we are trying to teach them. And then they would have to go do something that demonstrates what they are learning.
I added on these extra steps (beyond just writing the scripture a few times) because when the boys tell me about what they learned from the scripture/what it is trying to teach them, it is a good opportunity to see how well they are understanding it, or if I need to explain it in a different or deeper way.
I also feel like understanding comes from knowing something intellectually, and also by tasting of the fruits of the action. When we put gospel principles into action and practice, we see the fruits (at the beginning, but especially over time). We feel the fruits of the spirit (peace, love, joy) and over time that solidifies our understanding of the gospel principle and motivates us to want to continue to practice it.
I feel like we often start with the "doing" of something, or commanding our kids to do something, but without a knowledge or understanding of the principle to back it up, it's easy to fall into a trap of apathy, or even rebellion. I feel like you need that combination of understanding the importance of the principle, but also of putting it into action. You can't have one without the other or else it won't be sustainable. It's the whole faith and works combination.
I really like this quote by Robert D. Hales that explains how to get understanding...
“First, we start with the intelligence with which we were born. To our intelligence we add knowledge as we search for answers, study, and educate ourselves. To our knowledge we add experience, which should lead us to a level of wisdom. In addition to our wisdom, we add the help of the Holy Ghost through our prayers of faith, asking for spiritual guidance and strength. Then, and only then, do we reach an understanding in our hearts—which motivates us to ‘do what is right; let the consequence follow.’ (Hymns, 1985, no. 237.) The feelings of an understanding heart give us the sweet spirit of assurance of not only knowing but doing what is right no matter what the circumstances. The understanding in our hearts comes from a close interdependence of study and prayer.”
So that evening, when I was showing J the papers that the boys had written their scripture on and then written what it meant and the action that they decided to do to put that scripture into practice, he got really excited and said that he had an idea. Haha.
His idea was for us to make worksheets. And then he came up with the idea to put our worksheets on a website that he would build. That way we could share them with other parents if they are interested.
So that's what we did. :) If any one else is interested in trying out this discipline/teaching strategy then you can go to the website that J built, teachmygospelworksheets.com, choose from a few different gospel principles, and then download the specific worksheet and print it off. :)
Now I want to explain more about my vision, perspective, and mindset with this whole teaching method. I really feel strongly that it needs to be a well rounded approach in order for it to be successful. So that is what I have been thinking a lot about and working on creating.
My vision involves 3 main parts: Teach My Gospel Worksheets, Caught Being Good Charts, and Learning and Growing Together.
I've already talked about the worksheets, so now I'll talk about the other two parts...
Caught Being Good Charts
Here is that quote by Boyd K. Packer again...
"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.
Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."
There are two parts to this quote. We are applying the first part with our worksheets (teaching doctrine and helping our kids to understand it.) The second part, about not being preoccupied with unworthy behavior, is what the Caught Being Good Charts will help us to accomplish.
As I have been discovering through my "5 good things" experiment, focusing on good behavior increases good behavior. And the same is true with bad behavior. Focusing on bad behavior increases bad behavior.
I want to be intentional, especially in this new discipline strategy, that I not focus too much on the bad behavior.
The idea that I came up with to accomplish this goal is "caught being good" charts. There are 8 boxes on the paper that are labeled Obedience, Honesty, Reverence, Respect, Patience, Kindness, Gratitude, and Work. These are the same gospel principles that the worksheets focus on. When I catch the kids being/doing good, I vocalize my observation, praise them, and then instruct them to put a tally mark in the specific box (sometimes more than one) on their chart that corresponds with their positive behavior.
I am not offering any external rewards (candy, toys, money, etc.) or anything for having a certain number of tally marks. I want the reward to be the internal joy that comes from doing and being good.
I am intentionally not being stingy with my acknowledgment and praise. Not at this point at least. I have been trying to acknowledge and praise the kids for the little things, the big things, and pretty much everything in between. I know that this over the top praise won't (and maybe shouldn't) last forever. Eventually they will do and be good, even without needing as much praise and acknowledgement. But we are in the "training wheels" phase. And it is also really good for me, in this phase, to train myself to see the good and to express appreciation for those good things. Especially since this is an area that I have been wanting to turn into a personal strength for a while now anyway.
So far, this caught being good chart has been really successful, especially with my 5 year old, and my 7 year old and 3 year old are catching the vision more and more everyday.
Learning and Growing Together
The third part that I want to talk about is learning and growing together.
Something that I am realizing more and more throughout this process, especially in the past couple weeks, is that as parents, we shouldn't dominate over our kids. Yes, we have a responsibility to take care of them, but that doesn't give us a license to be domineering. We are stewards over them.
Here on earth, we are older, and sometimes wiser, than our kids. But in the big picture, we very well could be younger, spiritually, than they are, or even the same age. And even if we are older, spiritually, it doesn't really matter. In the eyes of God, we are all equal. We are all on the same level. We are all His children.
Photo by Rene Bernal on Unsplash
As parents, we have more earthly experience than our kids do and we need to use that experience to teach them and help them succeed.
At the same time though, we have been told throughout the scriptures that we are to become like little children.
"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)
"Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." (Matthew 18:3-6)
"And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones." (3 Nephi 17:21, 23)
So even though, as parents, we are responsible for teaching our children, we can learn a lot from our kids as well. In fact, becoming like little children is vital to our salvation. So we should really be maximizing this time that we have with our kids when they are little. We should be anxiously trying to learn all that we can from them about how to become a little child.
We're all on the same team, working towards the same goal. We are all climbing the same staircase, back to our heavenly home. We are all trying to make it back to Heavenly Father's presence. And we all need each other.
As I have been thinking about all of this, I have come to realize that ideally, I want our family to feel like a team. I want us to feel like we are all working together towards the same goal and that none of us is better than anyone else (including us as parents...we aren't better or more important than our kids.) I want our kids to see me and J learning and gaining understanding and working towards goals, just like they are learning and gaining understanding and working towards goals.
Part of my plan for this is that I had the idea to make worksheets for myself (and J), along with the worksheets for the kids. I definitely have a lot to learn and understand more deeply just like they do. I want them to see me working on this goal right along side them.
I'm willing to admit that a lot of my parent/child issues come down to (or at least are escalated by) my own lack of true understanding of gospel principles - as evidenced by my own bad behavior. Examples of this include talking to my children in disrespectful (usually condescending and upset) words/tones; having my own interests in mind and disregarding theirs; not being patient; etc.
I have already assigned myself, and completed, a few worksheets (Respect and Behold Your Little Ones) over the past few days and they have not only helped to change my perspective and my heart, but they have also helped my relationship with my kids, in that they have witnessed me working on the goal of doctrinal understanding (to improve behavior), just like they are. This helps to build unity in our family. We're all putting in the work individually to become better, and we're doing it together as a team.
Let me be clear. This parenting method is not easy. It requires work. It requires time - time to teach the gospel principles, as often as needed, time and intentionality with noticing and acknowledging good behavior. It also requires a lot of humility on my part. It takes humility to admit when I am wrong and when I need to do a worksheet. But I personally feel that this work, and time, and humility are worth the rewards.
During Family Home Evening a couple nights ago, I gave the lesson. First, I read this quote...
"We do not preach the gospel of fear. We do not seek to terrorize the souls of men. We do not ask a man to be righteous because of the terrors of the damned. We do not want you to be good because you fear the punishment of the wicked. We do not want you to do right because of the penalty that attaches to the doing of wrong. We want you to choose the right because it is right, and because your heart loves the right, and because it is choice above everything else. We want you to be honest, not merely because it is the best policy, but because in so doing you honor God and you carry out His purposes in your lives; for “an honest man,” it is an old, and perhaps a hackneyed, saying—“is the noblest work of God.” We want to be honest because we love God, and we cannot be the Saints of God [unless] we are. We should be good because we love to be good, and not because we fear the consequences of evil.
The Lord does not accept obedience from men except that which they render cheerfully and gladly in their hearts, and that is all that is desired by his servants. That is the obedience we ought to render, and if we do not we are under condemnation." (TEACHINGS: JOSEPH F. SMITH CHAPTER 32: LIBERTY THROUGH OBEDIENCE)
We talked about how our goal is to obey the commandments, and learn these doctrines of the gospel not because we fear punishment of the wicked, but because they are right and our hearts love the right and we have a genuine desire to do good. I hope to continue to work towards this mindset individually, and as a family.
After discussing this quote, I shared my thoughts about us being more intentional with being a team and working together as members of our family to help one another learn and grow and become more like Jesus Christ. I shared a couple of quotes that I ran across recently and really loved.
*print found here
*print found here
We read these quotes and talked about how we can better apply them in our family. We can lift each other and ascend the staircase to heaven together and we can walk each other home.
For our closing song, we sang I am a Child of God. The verses in this song come from the perspective of a child to the parents, but as we were singing, I decided that it would be neat to write my own verse that comes from the perspective of the parent to the child. So that's what I did. I inserted it between the first and second verses.
1. I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
I am a child of God,
He's sent me little ones
He wants me to become like them
They'll lead me to His Son.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
2. I am a child of God,
And so my needs are great;
Help me to understand his words
Before it grows too late.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
Photo by Sabine van Straaten on Unsplash
This post is already super long, so I will save some of the success stories that we have experienced so far with this new teaching method for another post.
Here's that link again if you want to check out our worksheets: teachmygospelworksheets.com
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