Celebrating Other People's Strengths: What's in Her (or his) Suitcase?

Photo by Erwan Hesry on Unsplash

As I was walking up the stairs this morning, I saw a paper taped to the wall that had some information and a few names of people that I know, but not really well.  My initial reaction when I saw this paper was that I felt a mixture of negative emotions.  The subject matter of this paper and the names of the people that were on it triggered some thoughts and stirred up some feelings inside me. I felt a little threatened and annoyed by these women and their strengths.  A minute or so later I recognized that I was feeling a mixture of shame and pride at the same time, mostly shame though.

But then I had the thought come to me "you don't have to make this about you. This isn't about you. Stop focusing on how this could make you feel bad about yourself and start focusing on the good things. Instead of thinking things like "I am not a fun friend who is good at hosting things like Barbara is; I am not cool enough or a good enough mom to do the things that Frannie is doing with her kids; etc." I could start thinking "Isn't it great that Frannie is so good at being a loving and selfless mom? Isn't it great that Barbara is good at hosting parties and making people feel loved?"  

Changing my thoughts and seeing these other women's traits in a positive light, rather than making them mean something negative about me instantly turned my mood around and took a burden off my shoulders.  I thought about how I want to be more proactive with seeing the good in others.  I want to notice, appreciate, and celebrate other's strengths and not making their accomplishments and strengths mean anything negative about me.

I had the idea come to me that I should start doing something that I am calling "What's in Her (or his) Suitcase?"  First let me explain what I mean by this...

Photo by Damir Bosnjak on Unsplash

Jody Moore talks about how we each came to earth with a suitcase. This suitcase was packed by Heavenly Father and it has gifts, talents, abilities, the things we need, our strengths, etc. Each of us has one of these and they are all unique. No one's suitcase is better than anyone else's.

This is how Jody described it in her podcast episode called Strengths and Weaknesses...

"I have this way that I like to think about our strengths and weaknesses...Before each of us came to earth, Heavenly Father packed us a suitcase. Each of us got our own unique suitcase. And He gave us things that we might consider strengths. 

He gave some people patience, and some people didn't get as much of that. And He gave people some analytical skills and others didn't get so much. And some people got some creativity. So we all got different things packed in our suitcases. I love thinking about it that way. Because, again this goes back to Buckingham's definition, but if a strength is just something that, as I do that thing, I feel stronger, then that part came from Heavenly Father. That's part of my DNA. And then maybe I got better at it, here on this earth. Because I enjoyed doing it. Because the activity itself strengthened me. 

All of our suitcases are unique. And then I also like to think that, I have this suitcase here on my trip but I also get to pick up souvenirs. A good portion of who we are is genetic, but also a good portion of it is learned."

Photo by Fredrick Kearney Jr on Unsplash

Jody also explains how our weaknesses are just our strengths overused.

"Our weaknesses are only our strengths overused. You can give me any weakness and I will show you how there is a strength within it. If we just pull back the reins a little bit, it's actually a strength. 

Let's say you have a weakness of really enjoying gossip. You find it's hard not to gossip. That's a weakness of yours. Well, it's derived from an interest in other people. And being interested in other people can be a huge strength, and not everybody has that within them. It can look like compassion, it can be concern. But if it is overused, it can turn into gossip. Incidentally, this is also where the fear of public speaking and things like that comes from. Because your mind focuses on other people, that can be a caring, loving, compassionate place to be in your head. But when it goes to far, it can create this fear/worry about what other people are going to think. 

Maybe your weakness is that you aren't a very good planner. The strength in that is that you are probably spontaneous. You maybe are fun and laid back. You are probably very flexible, so you don't get really rattled when things get thrown off. You are able to be flexible and spontaneous. But when that strength is overused, it can turn into not planning or not having that come as easily. Maybe you don't have really great interpersonal skills. You're not a people person, as we would say. You're not great at conversation or communication. Most likely, if that's you, then you are a thinker. You process things internally and you're probably analytical and detail oriented and you're good with concrete details and strategy. People who we would say are not very personable, don't usually get caught up in drama. Because they are very linear, factual thinkers. And maybe there mind doesn't go as much to the way other people operate or think. And that can be a huge strength. When it's overused it means we don't know to interact with others. 

So any weakness that you have or that you see is just someone's strength overused. 

I think that appreciating your strengths is really important. And the first step in appreciating them is of course to notice and acknowledge them. Not from a place of pride. Not from "look how wonderful I am". You did not create yourself. Just from learning to notice what was packed in your suitcase, and then making sure that you temper those things so that they don't become weaknesses." 

I love approach and way of looking at strengths and weaknesses.  Heavenly Father packed an amazing and unique suitcase for each of us to bring on this life journey.  And this way of looking at things inspired me to start doing something that will help me to recognize other's strengths and appreciate and celebrate them.  

Photo by Neven Krcmarek on Unsplash

I had the idea come to me that it might be helpful to start a physical copy, or better yet, an app of some sort where I make a "suitcase" (notecard) for individual people and I keep track of the positive things that I see in them, the things that I think are in their suitcases. It would be a way for me to focus on their positives and gather evidence for their good qualities. I think that this would especially be helpful for me to do for the people that I have some unloving (to varying degrees) thoughts towards.

I also plan make a notecard that represents my own suitcase. I will write down the things that I notice that Heavenly Father packed for me, and I can show appreciation and gratitude for those things.

The things that are in other people's suitcases don't take away from the things that are in mine. Just because someone got a certain trait or talent or gift doesn't mean that my suitcase items are any less valuable or amazing. And vice versa. The things in my suitcase don't make anyone else's any less valuable or amazing.

I started a "suitcase" for Frannie and Barbara today. (Just using the Evernote app for now.)  And just from writing down a couple of positive things that I see in them, I have already felt a little bit more love for them and my annoyance and threatened feelings have decreased a bit.  

I'll let you know how this goes as I put it into practice more and more. :)

Lessons I Learned from Missing out on the Total Solar Eclipse

I have been reflecting about the Solar eclipse that happened across the United States a couple days ago, and the unexpected feelings that I have experienced since then.  Here is what I wrote in my journal yesterday morning...

  

So yesterday was the Solar eclipse. People have been talking about this for months because it has been several years since we have had a total solar eclipse in the United States. A lot of people drove up to Idaho or Wyoming to see it because here in Utah it was only about 90% instead of totality. We got some special glasses (so we could look at the sun) and got to watch it yesterday. It was pretty cool, even though it wasn't totality here. It got a little bit darker and felt like mid evening even though it was only 11:30 am. It was neat to see the moon slowly cover the sun until it was almost all the way covered.

Photo by Mitchell Bowser on Unsplash

I don't know what it was like to see the total eclipse in some of these other locations but it wasn't until last night that I started feeling kind of bummed that I didn't get to see the total eclipse. I've heard from some family members that it was a really cool experience. And I imagined in my minds eye last night (as I was falling asleep? In the middle of the night? I'm not sure) what it might have been like to be there and witness that awesome experience. I heard that it got pretty dark and you could just see the outer layer of the Sun shining around the edges of the moon. I was just imagining in my mind the experience of seeing the sun like that, in the dark, in the middle of the day. And then it must have been pretty neat to see it slowly get light again as the moon moved away. I was thinking about how special and symbolic that experience must have felt.

Anyway, I was thinking that to a very small degree, this is kind of like how I would feel if I wasn't in the right spot at the right time when Jesus comes again. To miss that would be a really huge disappointment.

Like I said, I've been kind of surprised at the feelings that have been experiencing over these past couple days since the eclipse.  Every time I think about the eclipse, and how I missed out on the full experience, I have this feeling like a pit in my stomach.  It's a deep kind of disappointment.  

This has caused me to reflect as I have related this experience to my relationship to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  

These are a few thoughts that I wrote down in my journal this morning...

How many amazing experiences am I missing out on because I'm not willing to put in the effort?  

How many great and amazing things am I not experiencing because I am filling my time with good or just ok things?

How many awesome revelations and insights (and excitement from discovering the mysteries of God) am I missing from the scriptures because I'm just skimming the surface and not putting in the work and effort to dive deep? 

And as luck would have it, one of my friends shared Rob Eaton's post on Facebook and I ran across it this afternoon.  I loved Rob's post and it put some of my thoughts that I've been having into words and he also gave me some more things to think about. 

"I had read all the hype, and I had a hard time imagining there was any way a total solar eclipse could live up to so much promotion and praise. One account was so effusive that even my young nephew dismissed it by saying, “It had too many superlatives.” Surely nothing could be that good. 

If I had not lived plop in the middle of the zone of totality in Rexburg, Idaho, I don’t know that I would have traveled far to see it. When I mentioned it to my brother a month ago, remarkably enough, he hadn’t even heard about it yet. But before I could even say anything about it, he said, “It seems like every eclipse that comes along is supposed to be the only time in the next 57 years you’ll be able to see something like it.” He hadn’t been that impressed with what he’d seen in the past, so he wasn’t interested in driving a couple of hours north to reach the zone of totality for this eclipse. 

I don’t fault him. If I were him, I might well have looked at a map and figured, “I’ll just stay here and see 75% of the eclipse and get 75% of the benefits. Why go all that way just to see the sun all the way covered?” 

But with solar eclipses, I learned vividly and personally today, there is a world of difference between even 98% of an eclipse and 100%. We watched with interest and amusement during the partial phases of the eclipse, but right up until a few moments before we witnessed the total eclipse, it seemed like not much more than a pleasant astronomical quirk visible only with special protective glasses. 

But as the moon began to totally cover the sun and we witnessed the diamond ring and the corona visible only with a total solar eclipse, I was absolutely blown away. I thought I would remain calm, but I couldn’t keep the emotions I felt inside. And neither could most of the people around me. As one writer had predicted, it was as if it touched something deeply primal within us. No photograph or video I’ve seen of this spectacular phenomenon does justice to it. It is simply the most amazing thing I have ever seen. 

Afterwards, my nephew volunteered to his mother: "Now I know why they used so many superlatives."Despite all the hype, we discovered a total solar eclipse had not been overrated. 

As a follower of Jesus Christ, this experience has reminded me of three important lessons. First, heaven is not overhyped; eternal life will be worth every sacrifice we could possible make to partake of it. 

In one of my otherwise favorite songs by Train, the singer asks of a friend returning from some kind of cosmic journey, “Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded and that heaven is overrated?” Just as my brother assumed a total eclipse had been oversold, much of the world today has come to believe heaven is not real or that it can’t be all that. They doubt the reality of an eternal existence with God so exquisite that Peter described it as becoming “partakers of the divine nature” (2 Peter 1:4). I believe that one day, everyone will be as convinced of the desirability of eternal life with God as those who witnessed the total eclipse today were of its stunning glory. 

Second, I was reminded that there is a dramatic difference between the blessings that come from sort of following the gospel of Jesus Christ—being in the zone of partiality—and striving to following Him and His teachings with all our hearts—the zone of totality. One of the reasons my brother and I underestimated how rewarding the total eclipse would be is that we based our estimates on what we’d witnessed in prior partial eclipses. But a total eclipse isn’t just twice as beautiful as an eclipse where the moon covers half the son; it is exponentially better. 

And so are the blessings that come from living in the zone of spiritual totality. I’m not talking about a place where we are perfect, and I’m certainly not talking about a condition we achieve through our own efforts alone. But I am referring to a state of mind and heart where we jump in with our whole souls, holding nothing back but relying on Christ to realize our divine potential. The blessings of spiritual coronas and diamond rings come not to those who merely go through the motions and occasional effort it takes to reach the zone of partiality; they come to those who yield their hearts and souls to God in the zone of spiritual totality. 

Finally, now that I know what a rare and exquisite experience a total solar eclipse is, I regret terribly the fact that I didn’t try to persuade my brother and his family and all my siblings and children who lived elsewhere to join us. What a terrible waste it was to have a home located in the heart of the zone of totality with only 5 guests. I wish I’d been more like some of our neighbors, who had family members and friends stuffed into every bed and couch and spilling over onto their lawns. 

For those of us who have lived the gospel of Jesus Christ enough to know just how exquisite its blessings are, there is a special responsibility to find ways to help others come to understand or even consider the possibility that it will be eternally worth the sacrifice to come to the zone of spiritual totality. 

For me, in some small way, glimpsing the silvery brilliance of the corona today felt like a symbolic foreshadowing of what it might be like to dwell eternally in the presence of God—in a place with “no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof” (Rev. 21:23). Even more than I will strive to persuade my loved ones and friends to go witness the next total solar eclipse visible in the United States in 2024, I feel inspired to do all I can to help others know that heaven is real and that moving to the zone of spiritual totality is eternally worth it. We cannot use enough superlatives to describe it."

 *image

I still feel disappointed that I didn't put in the effort to go witness the total eclipse.  Like Rob, I didn't believe all the hype and didn't think that it was gonna be that big of a deal.  I thought seeing the 90% was good enough.  But now I am so sad that I didn't make the effort to go see the real, complete thing with my own 2 eyes.  

I am taking a lesson from this experience.  I don't want to miss out on the totality of the gospel.  I don't want to miss out on the totality of the Son.  The Son of God.  I am going to dive deeper into the gospel.  I am going to jump in with my whole soul, holding nothing back but relying on Christ to realize my divine potential.  The zone of partiality isn't good enough for me.  I want the zone of totality.     

An Idle Mind is the Devil's Playground

Last night, J was at a meeting so I was doing the bedtime routine by myself.  I was feeling lazy so while the kids were playing I was just sitting around, browsing social media.  Then I put R to bed and turned on a movie for the kids to kill time for that last hour before it was their bedtime.  I just sat there, browsing social media.

Photo by Jordan Bauer on Unsplash

I finally got around to putting the kids to bed and I could feel an negative feeling starting to creep in and I just felt unsettled.  J has a meeting every Wednesday night and he's usually home a little after 8. Well, 8:30 rolled around, and he still wasn't home. 8:45, still not home. I texted him. No response (found out later that his phone died). 9:00 came and he still wasn't home. I was getting minorly worried but mostly kind of irritated. 

  

A few things were adding to my feeling of irritation: the kitchen was still a mess from dinner (J normally cleans up the kitchen after dinner) and I was hoping that he would come home soon so he could clean up the kitchen (because I didn't want to); We were almost out of milk and I thought about going to the store really fast (but couldn't go until after he came home to stay with the sleeping kids); and just irritated that he had been gone so long.

So after feeling moody for a little while, I decided that I needed to process that emotion for a little bit and then evaluate my thinking that was causing it. Part of me (the victim side) didn't want to start feeling better. But I decided that I could go clean the kitchen. One, as an act of service for J, and two so that I would stop being lazy and just browsing my phone.

  

I put my headphones on, turned a song on (one that I have been loving lately) and got to work. I sang the song out loud, with enthusiasm and feeling.

And as I sang, the words really stood out to me...

Through countless dangers, doubts and fears 

I have already come 

Gods grace has brought me safely here 

And grace will lead me home 

My chains are gone I've been set free 

My God, my Savior has ransomed me 

And like a flood His mercy reigns 

Unending love, amazing grace

I really felt the meaning of those words as I belted them out.  Even though this moment was such a little thing that seemed so insignificant, it really wasn't. God was rescuing me in this moment. He was rescuing me from idleness and the feelings of irritation and worry. He sent the spirit to tell me to "forget yourself and go to work." And that helped to bring me out of my self-pity (victim mindset). It helped me to stop thinking so much about myself and start thinking about how I could help J.

This morning when I was reflecting on this experience and writing about it in my journal I was thinking about idleness. If I dug deep, I think that I was also feeling restless and irritated because I had just been sitting around, browsing on my phone. Idleness doesn't bode well for my mood. I don't always recognize this as the reason behind my bad attitude (and it's not always the reason but probably more than I realize). 

One thing that I have been learning from Jody is that our brains are problem solvers and they are always looking for problems to solve.

"Your brain is designed to solve problems.  This is why, as you start diving in and taking a look into your brain and running models, you are going to find that you have a lot of negative thoughts in there - because your brain is supposed to solve problems.  That means it is constantly looking for problems.  And that is exactly how it is supposed to operate.  But, with a little awareness, and with some re-directing of your brain, you can temper that part of you that may sometimes get out of control and thinks that everything's a problem." -Jody Moore

Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash

Here are a couple more sources that explain this same concept...

"Our brain evolved to scan for problems and it is skilled at finding problems when it looks. ... We have inherited the brain that helped our ancestors notice threats in time to act. We are skilled at finding threats, even as we seek rewards." (*source)

"When we reflect on the mind, we being to see that the mind has certain functions. It has many functions, one of these functions is to look for problems; constantly. This is a great function, it keeps us safe. It is very important to have if, you are in a fight or being chased, in a war zone or a very challenging situation. The mind will be vigilant searching for problems. The problem with this type of functioning is that often, in this day and age, it is not needed. Most of us do not live in a war zone. 

So when we are simply sitting in our room, our mind might, out of habit, begin to find problems with the room. “I wish I had a bigger room, a warmer room, lived in a bigger house, I need new windows, this room would look better if it were green” etc. It is amazing how our minds can find problems so quickly with everything, imagine a person comes in the room, and watch all the thoughts you have about this person. Our minds might start with quick judgments, such as “she’s too small, wow look at her nose, he needs to shave,” and move on to judgments, such as “I wouldn’t trust him,” to even unconscious judgments that we don’t even see happening, such as this person reminds me of my father, so I am going to view him through a projection. 

As you can see we can get into trouble very quickly by not understanding that our minds automatically look for problems in everything." (*source)

Going back to my reflecting this morning, I was thinking about how there are probably so many times that I could avoid the spiral of negative emotions (that seem to come out of nowhere) that get me down in the dumps if I would be more conscious of not having an idle mind.

There is an english proverb that says "An idle mind is the Devil's playground."  And the more I reflect on this experience (and applying what I am learning to past experiences,) the more I can see the truth in this proverb.

 Photo by Vruyr Martirosyan on Unsplash

If the mind is designed to look for problems, then just sitting there and being idle (mentally, spiritually, and physically) is like giving your brain an invitation to go find some problems.  It's like the mind gets antsy and needs something to work on.  So we make things into problems.  We turn mole hills into mountains.

A couple things came to mind when I was thinking about this.  1. When we have big problems all the little issues lose importance and we don't waste time thinking about them.  Our brain already has a problem to work on.  2. When we don't have big problems we subconsciously come up with little problems (that then become big in our minds) to keep our mind busy and doing its job.

To me, and idle mind means a couple of things:

It can mean wasting/killing time (like mindlessly (or excessively) browsing social media, binge watching shows, etc.)

We learn from the scriptures and the temple that we should avoid "light-mindedness."  I'm sure that this could have multiple meanings but I think that "light-mindedness" refers (at least in part) to an "idle mind" - lacking serious purpose or value.  

An idle mind can also mean overthinking and overanalyzing the problem - focusing too much on the problem and not on the solution.

This makes me think of a car that is idling.  According to Wikipedia, idling refers to running a vehicle's engine when the vehicle is not in motion.  So to me, this is like running our brains (thinking and analyzing the problem) with no action (figuring out a solution.)

"Talking about something is sometimes a focus on the problem.  What we focus on, we enhance in our lives.  Our brains want to focus on the problem because they want to identify the problem and to notice that "this isn't fair and this isn't right" and to spin out in the problem.  But that is not necessary.  Once we've discussed the problem one time and we understand it, a much better use of our brain is to now focus on the solution. 

Anytime you find yourself in resistance and spinning out in a focus on the problem, I want you to stop and take note and decide "do I want to magnify and add energy and intensify the problem?  Or do I want to just know that it is what it is and now let me move on and intensify and add energy to the solution."  This is huge.  And this will show up with everyone.  We want to focus on the problem.  That feels useful to that part of our brain that thinks it should look for problems.  But when you recognize "ok, we've talked about the problem" move to "Now let's make a shift and talk about the solution."  Ask yourself, when challenges come up, "am I focusing on the problem or am I focusing on the solution?""   -Jody Moore

 Photo by Roman Mager on Unsplash

So what do we often think of as the opposite of being idle?  We think of working.  Work is important for a lot of reasons (to make money, to accomplish necessary tasks, etc.) but it's also important for a healthy mind.           

One reason why work (mental, physical, spiritual work) is important is because if we aren't working on solving some sort of productive problem (and we are being idle (mentally, spiritually and/or physically) then our minds will find a problem so it has something to do. And this problem usually isn't necessary or worthwhile, and is often damaging (finding fault with someone, gossiping, victim mindset, etc.) It's like our brains crave a problem to solve. So if we aren't working on a productive problem, then our minds will go find a problem (that is usually unproductive.)

I don't think that not being idle means that we can't ever relax and that we always have to be up doing something physical.  But I do think that it means that we need to be conscious of not allowing our relaxation to become excessive and turn into idleness.  And even when we are taking some time to relax, we can have a conscious and intentional purpose.  This will keep us in the position to act instead of to be acted upon.
 

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; 

For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

Doctrine & Covenants 58: 27-28

I still have some thoughts to share on this topic but I'll continue them in another post...

Growing Pains: Why is Personal Growth so Hard?

Personal growth can be really exciting and fun and enlightening and freeing and peaceful. I have seen a lot of that side. I love that side.

But I have also seen a lot of the other side - the side that is painful and agonizing and laborious and difficult. The side that leaves me crying and asking myself "why even try?" After experiencing another one of these unpleasant episodes, I was sitting on my bed asking the question "why is personal growth so hard?" And after consulting God, my heart, and the internet, this is what I came up with...

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

Ignorance is bliss.  

It's easier to just stay where I am comfortable, doing the things that I know how to do.  It's easier to just be mediocre.  It requires a lot less work.  Figuring out my weaknesses takes a lot of time and energy and digging and deep introspection. And discovering them is only the beginning.  After that discovery, I then have to muster up the courage to admit my mistakes and shortcomings and then dive in and go to work.  And I often don't know what I'm doing - when it comes to working on my weaknesses, and also when it comes to using my strengths.  It can be pretty uncomfortable.   

Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash   

Sometimes things get worse before they get better.

I don't know much about lifting weights (I should work on that), but from what I understand, muscles get big by carefully overworking them.  They get little microscopic tears and if you properly care for them (not overdoing it too much, getting rest in between, etc.) then they actually come back bigger and stronger.  When you wake up with sore muscles, it can be easy to think "why did I do this to myself?  I was doing just fine before.  Are bigger and stronger muscles even worth it?"  

I believe that a similar experience happens with mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. We have wounds and weaknesses that have been buried deep, under years and layers of trying to avoid the pain. Digging these up is necessary because you can't heal if you don't know don't address the problem. Bringing these issues to the surface, out of the shadows, and shedding light on them is what allows them to get the attention that they need to heal.  It's painful.  But you can come back bigger and stronger.  

I have noticed that when I am going through a more intense personal growth phase, I am more susceptible to picking fights (with J, with my kids).  I think it's because my internal boat is being rocked.  Things are changing inside me.  And I don't quite know how to deal with the internal upheaval.  In those moments I am trying to just hold on and desperately grab for any validation and support (those desperate attempts often aren't pretty).  I just have to keep riding the waves and wait for things to settle at the new normal.  Unfortunately I'm not a very graceful surfer.

    Photo by Marcus Dall Col on Unsplash

If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.

Jeffrey R. Holland 

Old habits die hard. 

Sometimes it is easy to feel like a fraud and to fall into the shame traps of "What am I doing?  Who do I think I am?  Why do I keep making the same mistakes?  Why do I keep hurting the people that I love? Why can't I just get it together and use the tools that I have learned?"  

Jody talks a lot about how we need to not be so hard on ourselves when we make mistakes - especially when it comes to trying to improve and turn a weakness into a strength.  She says that you should have compassion for yourself and just approach the situation with curiosity instead of shame, thinking, "Isn't it interesting that I made that mistake again?  I am really good at that. I want to change and not do that anymore, but I shouldn't expect it to happen overnight". 

The bad habits/weaknesses that I have, have come from a lot of practicing.  I have practiced making that certain mistake (or thinking that certain way) over and over and over again.  I am really good at it.  I might even be a master (10,000 hours) at it.  Of course I don't want to make that mistake. I want to change. I want to be better.  But I need to have some compassion and understanding for myself and realize that change takes time.  Just keep practicing. When I fall, get back up and try again. Overtime, and with a lot of practice, I will become a master at the new and improved way.  My weakness will become a strength.

I am here to strive for perfection, but simultaneously be understanding and compassionate of my imperfections and realize that perfection comes line upon line.  It's a fine balance and I don't always do it well.       

Photo by Stephanie Krist on Unsplash   

Growth is often imperceptible.  

Growth is slow.  It takes time.  And when I am in the middle of the process it may seem like I haven't changed or improved at all.  It may feel like I am putting in all this work and energy for nothing.  But when I allow some time to go past, and I look back, I can see that my life actually has changed.  I actually have grown and improved.  This is actually one good reason for keeping a journal.  Reading past journal entries allows me to see my growth.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Satan wants me to fail. 

Satan doesn't like forward progress.  He doesn't want me to succeed.  He doesn't want my weaknesses to become strengths.  And he doesn't want me to use my strengths to build up the kingdom of God. He wants me to say "why even try?" He wants me to get discouraged.  He wants me to give up.  

Well, I'm not going to.  Take that, Satan!   

Photo by Bethany Legg on Unsplash

I still love the pleasant side of personal growth - the exciting, fun, enlightening, freeing and peaceful side.  But I'm learning that the other side - the painful, agonizing, laborious and difficult side is important too.  You can't have a breakthrough without confusion.  You can't have peace without a storm.  You can't have birth without death. You can't have morning without night. 

Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power.          

    Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

I want to end with this story from when I was in college.  When I was a freshmen, I lived with my cousin, M.  We were really good friends before college, but unfortunately we had kind of a rough year together and when it came time to sign up for a new apartment for sophomore year, we decided to go different directions.  I felt drawn to living at University Villa, where my sister had lived a few years before.  Originally M and C thought about living there too (we were thinking about being roommates) but C's roommates didn't want to.  I was really nervous about stepping out of my comfort zone and moving in with people that I didn't know but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to live at the Villa.  So in the fall of 2007, I moved into a ghetto apartment with 3 girls that I hadn't ever met before and M moved in with C (our other cousin) and her roommates.


September 2, 2007 

"I went over to M and C's apartment yesterday and it's nicer than mine.  A part of me wished that I was living with them.  I would be back in my comfort zone and my apartment would be in better condition.  But I know that I need this.  I need to be on my own.  I need to step out of my comfort zone.  I need to become more social.  I need to rely on the Lord.  It is amazing that when I read the scriptures and listen to uplifting music, it invites the spirit and I know that everything will be just fine.  I will get used to everything, we will clean our apartment up and I will meet a lot of amazing people.  I may not be living with M and C, but they aren't far away.  I am sure that I will see them all the time.  I am not alone.  The Lord is always with me and He will not leave me comfortless.  I need to be still and know that He is God.  Last night the words of a hymn kept coming to mind.  "Fear not, I am with thee, oh be not afraid, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid."  I know that I can trust in the Lord and everything will be just fine."


I remember that as I was writing in my journal that morning, I was listening to music on my phone. A song by Jericho Road came on called You Melt the Madness.  I had never really paid attention to it before, but for some reason the music and words of this song really hit me at this moment.  It brought the spirit and I could feel the comforting power of the Holy Ghost.  I knew that everything was going to be ok.

I still listen to this song when I am feeling down.  It always makes me feel better.  

That choice to step out of my comfort zone and move to University Villa by myself wasn't always easy.  I experienced a lot of growth that year, and some of it wasn't pleasant.  But it was one of the best decisions I've ever made before.  Because that apartment complex was where I met J.  :)

Your Mind is a Garden: You Reap What You Sow

Photo by Kyle Ellefson on Unsplash

I wanted to write about the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head about how we have so much power in our lives.  And changing our thoughts changes our behavior and our results.  I am going to discuss a few ways and angles that I have been learning this same principle.

First, I'm going to talk about the CTFAR model again (which I learned from Jody Moore).  If you read my last post then you will already have an idea of what I'm talking about.  

Circumstances trigger Thoughts which create our Feelings, which create our Actions, which create our Results. The result points back to the thought. So if I want a different result with something in my life then I need to change my thought.

If you "run a model" for anything in your life, you can see how this is true.  And you can see how if you change your thought about the circumstance, the new thought creates new feelings, which will create new actions, and new results.  This really shows how much power we really have over how we experience life.

Photo by Christopher Sardegna on Unsplash 

Here's an real life example from a few weeks ago.  I ran this model and coached myself during my morning routine one day.  This is what I wrote in my journal... 

July 19, 2017

C: R wakes up during my morning routine and cries, wanting me to get her

T: Why?!?! I just want peace and quiet so I can do my routine and focus on me!

F: Distressed, loss of control

A: Ignore her for as long as I can stand but eventually go up and quickly feed her so that she will stop crying and I can get back to what I was doing.

R: Go crazy inside because of hearing her cry (and the emotions that stirs up in me.) And feel resentful of her that I have to take care of her and can't control my surroundings.

C: R wakes up during my morning routine and cries, wanting me to get her

T: It's not about me. This is about her. This is an opportunity for me to serve R and to shine some of God's love for her through me.

F: Purposeful, driven

A: Go up to her room, hold her, comfort her, feed her, and cuddle with her.

R: I feel happy because I was able to be an instrument in God's hands.

This situation just happened a few minutes ago. R woke up, when she was crying I felt those all too familiar feelings of overstimulation, lack of control of my surroundings, distressed, trapped. I just wanted her to stop crying so that I could keep doing what I was doing. I was getting worked up inside and irritated that I had to go help her. But she didn't stop. So I got up and decided to go feed her. On my way up the stairs, I tried to process my negative emotion. I said to myself "This is distress. I am just feeling distressed. It is just caused by sentences in my brain. It's just because of what I am thinking." And immediately the thought came to me "I don't have to help her. I can choose to help her. And when I choose to help and serve my kids, I am really doing it for them. I am being an instrument in God's hands. I am helping to show them that God loves them - and I am just the window to His love."

And you know what? That new thought changed my feelings about the situation. I got her out of her bed, and just kept thinking about how I was serving her and this wasn't about me. This was about her."

      

Second, I want to talk about this same concept but with a gospel perspective.  I was talking to a good friend the other day and she told me about this guy named Mike Stroud, who has a podcast all about gospel topics and church doctrine. I just listened to an episode last night and this morning called Baptism of Fire and the Holy Ghost. This particular podcast was recorded in 2015 when he was serving a mission (with his wife) in New Jersey and the mission president asked him to speak to all of the missionaries. It was really interesting and gave me a lot to think about and to work on.  For the purposes of this blog post, here is a part that he talked about at the beginning and it really stood out to me.  

"I want to refer to a statement made by President Packer years ago, that I think is the key to what we are trying to do here. And I’d like to see this reinstated. It’s in Preach My Gospel, but I don’t think it’s receiving the time and thought and pondering that it needs.  

Throughout the church and later on in your families, you’re going to counsel. And in the counsel you’re going to be discussing the behavior of people you love or people that you have responsibility for. In almost all of our counsels we spend an inordinate amount of time talking about unacceptable behavior. ‘Oh, we’re not getting our home teaching statistics- they’re not done. The visiting teaching is not done. The tithes are not up. The people are not living the Word of Wisdom. How do we get people to attend the temple? How do we get more people to accept callings?’ And we spend all this time talking about what needs to be done and President Packer has a little clue for us.  

Let’s go to his statement- watch. Right up at the front. “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.” You ought to underline that because I testify to you that this is a true principle. Now, what I’m teaching you today, I’ve tried, I’ve done, and it works every time. This is tried and tested and it’s never failed. That’s pretty good, isn’t it? That’s a pretty good record. “True doctrine, understood…” catch the ‘understood’ part, “…True doctrine…” make sure it’s understood, “changes… behavior.” The rest of the quote says, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior…” It’s a vicious cycle.  

So, what we do is, we spend all of our time in counsels in the church and in your families, as husbands and wives, mothers and fathers of the future, talking about the behavior of your children. And the more you discuss inappropriate behavior, what does it do? It encourages inappropriate behavior. It’s a vicious cycle. So, what’s the answer? “That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.” I think this is a key priesthood principle that you need to really take a look at.  

So, what do we do? Only discuss behavior to the degree that you can identify the behavior that’s unacceptable. Then, stop talking about it. Once you’ve identified it, whatever it is, then go to the word of God, go to the scriptures. Find the doctrine that ties to that behavior and teach it. And as you teach that doctrine, the word of God that has power and virtue in it, according to Alma 31:5- there’s virtue in the word of God. If you’ll teach that, the Holy Ghost will carry the word of God, that doctrine, unto the heart of the person and the Holy Ghost will change the behavior. You see that cycle right there? So that’s the take-off today. “True doctrine, understood, changes…behavior.” I testify to you that that is true."

I thought this was so enlightening and inspiring. I have heard this quote (by Boyd K. Packer) before, but I haven't always given it a ton of thought and I didn't really know how to put it into practice. But I loved what Mike Stroud said about it here. I'm going to repeat it... "Only discuss behavior to the degree that you can identify the behavior that’s unacceptable. Then, stop talking about it. Once you’ve identified it, whatever it is, then go to the word of God, go to the scriptures. Find the doctrine that ties to that behavior and teach it. And as you teach that doctrine, the word of God that has power and virtue in it, according to Alma 31:5- there’s virtue in the word of God. If you’ll teach that, the Holy Ghost will carry the word of God, that doctrine, unto the heart of the person and the Holy Ghost will change the behavior."

I love that. After I listened to this part of the podcast episode, J and I talked about it and we decided that we are going to work on using this concept more in parenting our kids. We plan to put this into practice during companionship inventory (got this idea from my friend, Celeste, and we've been doing this every week for almost a year.  It's been so good for our marriage.) on Sunday evenings.  We are going to discuss each of our kids and what behaviors we see them doing that needs to be changed. And then we will discuss the behavior just enough to figure out what doctrine we need to teach them. And then we will make a plan to teach that specific doctrine to that specific child.

We also talked about picking out a scripture that teaches that particular doctrine and having the specific child memorize that scripture (probably by writing it out a few times.)

Photo by Natalie Collins on Unsplash

Side note...we got the writing idea because on Sunday during church, P had a meltdown. J ended up having to take him to the van because he wouldn't calm down and stop throwing a fit. J missed almost all of Sacrament meeting because of it. So after church, J was talking to me about how we needed to come up with a consequence. I'm not really sure how we came to this conclusion (I think J got the idea from The Poisonwood Bible), but we decided to have him write an affirmation. 

Originally, J wanted him to write it 100 times but we ended up settling on 25 because we realized that 100 wasn't realistic for a 5 year old (who technically shouldn't even be able to write at this age yet but P is an overachiever. haha) and also because the affirmation that I picked was kind of long. ("I have the power to choose how to respond to my emotions. I choose to process my negative emotions.") It took P a few days to complete all 25, but he finished it yesterday. And by the time he finished he had it memorized. We might sound like cruel parents to make our 5 year old write an affirmation 25 times, but other consequences that we've tried in the past haven't worked.  They've served the purpose as a "punishment" but haven't actually caused any real or lasting change.  P needs a lot of emotion coaching (which is a big reason why I have been drawn to learning all of these things in the first place).  I am hoping that the more P practices thinking this thought, the more engrained it will be, and it will influence his behavior for good.

And going along with this, there is actually a doctrine that can be taught in regards to what I'm talking about with thoughts and behavior/results.  It's called the Law of the Harvest.  I liked this explanation from a BYU devotional by Robert J. Parsons called As a Man Thinketh.  It's kind of long but I really liked how he said it (and the quotes that he uses).   

"This spring my eight-year-old son and I went through the normal spring ritual of planting a garden. It is a delightful experience. We have learned two things over the years. 

First, when we plant corn seeds, we receive corn back. When we plant radish seeds, we get radishes, carrots beget carrots, etc. 

Second, we also learned that whatever we planted came back in abundance. When we planted zucchini, we got lots of zucchini. 

These two principles are referred to as the law of the harvest. I am grateful to Brother Frederick W. Babbel for helping me understand this concept and realize the significance of this principle of the gospel. He authored a great book entitled “To Him That Believeth.” 

Brother Babbel writes: 

"Some people call this the Law of Cause and Effect; others call it the Law of Action and Reaction; still others call it the Law of Karma. References in the holy scriptures usually refer to it as the Law of the Harvest. This law can be named as the first law given during the creation of this earth and all form of life thereon. [See Genesis 1:11–12, 27–28.] 

Everything multiplies “after his kind.” This includes plants, fruit trees, birds, fish, insects, animals, and human beings. . . . 

As we apply this principle to daily life situations, we will discern that it also applies to our thoughts, feelings, and actions. . . . 

Whatever you give to life will return to you—multiplied! This applies to our daily thoughts, feelings, and actions, be they positive or negative, uplifting or depressing. Hence, we need to make wise decisions. 

Because of this principle, you can make for yourself a heaven or a hell on earth. You alone must bear the responsibility for the choices you make. 

Who sets the standard of what forgiveness you may expect to receive? You do. (Matthew 6:14–15.) If you wish to be forgiven, you must first forgive others. 

Who sets the standard of how you will be judged? You do. (Matthew 7:1–2.) Your own judgment by your Heavenly Father will be compassionate or harsh, depending upon what standard you have set in judging others. 

The things you desire from life, you must first give to life. (Matthew 7:12.) What about acquiring the things you want? Like the seed planted in the ground, life can only return to you that which you first have given—with the added promise that everything you give must ultimately return to you multiplied. Perhaps that is why a sage of bygone years said a great truth, “Give to the world the best that you have and the best will come back to you.” And we might add, it will be multiplied! 

If you feel that you are accident-prone, or a “worry wart,” or a “Why-does-this-always-happen-to-me” sort of person, you have become a victim rather than a master of this law. . . . This law can work for you as well as against you.""

Brother Babbel continues: 

"In the Bible, Job is the epitome of a just and perfect man with many problems. At the beginning of his record it appears that he did not understand the implications of the Law of the Harvest. 

As a young person in Sunday School, it used to bother me a great deal when our teacher related to us the story of Job and his excruciating suffering and pain. The explanation was always that we must be patient in our afflictions and sufferings, just like Job. 

The rationalization was always that the devil wanted to test Job and that God gave him the privilege of literally wrecking this poor man’s life and everything he had built up. I could never accept that kind of a God, one who would compromise or “make a deal” with the devil. My experience has confirmed to me that he is a God of love, a God of kindness, and a God of patience. . . . I could not conceive of his deliberately permitting this type of suffering to happen to a perfect person. 

After reading the biblical account many times, [I finally realized] that Job tells the real cause of all his disasters in the third chapter, twenty-fifth verse: “For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.” (Job 3:25.) 

In other words, Job acknowledged that he was afraid, that he was a worrier. What would he do if he lost his health? What would he do if he lost his possessions? What would he do if he lost his business? What would he do if he lost his house? What would happen if he lost some of his loved ones? What would happen if he lost his entire family? What would happen if his closest friends turned against him? Such thoughts, apparently, preyed on him continually. 

The law is that the things which we think and the things which we harbor generate our feelings, and these feelings result in our acts which produce the harvest. For “whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7.) “For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7.) 

Since Job sowed seeds of worry, doubt, and fear, the devil had access to him and the harvest was calamitous. He lost everything but his faith in the Lord. 

The things that Job was admittedly so much concerned about, came to pass. They became so unbearable that he wished that he had never been born, that he had been hidden under the greatest mountain chain so that not even God could find him or have any recollection of his existence. 

But with all his problems and troubles, he did not deny God. Finally the Lord came to him and said, in effect, “Job, wake up and be a man. Don’t you recall how happy you were in the morn of creation and how eagerly you looked forward to the wonderful opportunity of coming to this earth and partaking of the beauties here? Now stop whining and be a man. Gird up your loins and speak as if thou hast understanding.” 

When Job perceived the message and realized that he had sown the seeds of his own problems and undoing, he took on new courage. (Job 42.) He then departed from fear and desired the things which are of God. He was eager to follow the guidelines that the Lord had given him. Note how the Law of the Harvest began to work for his benefit when he changed his attitude. 

The scriptures reveal that when Job realized the cause of his dilemma and asked the Lord’s forgiveness, his blessings were multiplied abundantly; he was rewarded two-fold in family, in friends, in flocks and herds, in health, and in all that makes for an abundant life." [Frederick W. Babbel, “To Him That Believeth” (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982), pp. 25–29] 

What are some of the seeds that we may plant in our lives? The seeds of the adversary include the following: 

Faultfinding (criticism)
Discord (quarrel)
Contention (argument)
Pride (dispute)
Envy
Discouragement
Disbelief (doubt)
Fear (worry, anxiety)
Anger
Hate 

But the seeds of our Father in Heaven would have us plant are these:
Love
Rejoicing (praise)
Thankfulness (gratitude)
Joy
Faith
Forgiveness
Patience (longsuffering)
Humility (meekness)
Harmony
Peace
Temperance
Goodness
Gentleness 

[Babbel, p. 33]

I saw this image on Instagram yesterday and I think that this quote sums it all up nicely.