Up-leveling My Marriage: Becoming a Wife for Life (and a Giveaway!)

Last night I got to meet someone that has had a big impact on my life lately - Ramona Zabriskie. She's my marriage mentor. :)  She came to Utah (from Washington) and did a presentation in West Jordan last night.  

I first heard about Ramona last October during the Power of Moms online Mom Conference.  The interview was called "Your Power to Succeed in Marriage" and I almost didn't watch it.  I was just going to watch another one about parenting but then I felt drawn to Ramona's interview so I decided to watch it.  And I'm so glad I did. :)

I loved the little bits of wisdom that Ramona shared during her interview so after it was over I immediately ordered her book, Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage.  It came in the mail a couple days later and I started reading it.  I read it slowly (like I read most books) and tried to digest as much as I could.  

Here's what I wrote in my journal...

January 3, 2017

Oh...I'm not sure if I've mentioned this much before, but I've been reading this book called "Wife For Life" by Ramona Zabriskie. I started it in the middle of October and I'm almost done with it. I've mostly just been reading it in the van while I wait to pick up L from school, so it's taken me a while...like most books. It has been so eye opening and inspiring. I have learned so much. There is so much to take in and practice. Since finding out about the book, I've known about Ramona's additional resource, called "Wife for Life University." It is a 10 week course, where there are live online classes, once a week, with Ramona, her TAs, and a few classmates. There are also weekly videos (that aren't live,) study guides, journal prompts, TA support, etc. It is a way to really dive deeper into the content and learn even more how to put the principles and ideas into practice. It is a way to get real life questions answered and hear the stories and advice from the other classmates.

Anyway, even though W4LU sounded intriguing, when I looked it up before, it was pretty expensive, so I thought to myself," maybe someday, but not anytime soon." Well, tonight when I was feeding R, I was checking my e-mail and noticed that I had an email from Ramona (I'm just on her e-mail list.) She was inviting me to be a part of W4LU for this upcoming semester (it starts on January 11th.) There was a video that talked about W4LU and what it was about and testimonials, etc. Then at the end, there was a special offer to get a discount on the enrollment price. I started thinking really seriously about it and decided that I wanted to enroll. 

Even though I think that our marriage is going pretty well at the moment, and in general, we have always had a pretty good marriage, I do think that what I've learned from her book has been really valuable and I would love to internalize the principles and ideas in more depth. I think that it would be great to get to really dive into this material. And I think it's worth the investment in our marriage. I'm gonna be a wife for the rest of eternity. It'd be nice to get some more in depth education on the matter. Ramona talks a lot about creating a Grand marriage... not just good, or great, but Grand. The kind of marriage where you are each other's true intimates and dream makers. The kind of marriage where you are a real influence for good in the world. I want that kind of marriage. I don't just want an average marriage. Or just a good one. I want a true, solid, deep connection with J, and a marriage that makes our family, and the world a better place.

So, I was a little bit hesitant, but I approached J about it tonight when he was cleaning up the kitchen. He was a bit apprehensive about how much it costs, but he told me that I could go ahead and do it if I wanted to. So, I did it. I signed up for the class. I'm excited, but also a bit nervous. I'm nervous for the live classes since I'm an introvert and I don't really know how to interact with people sometimes...especially people I've never met before. But I think that it will be good to form more friendships and get to discuss these ideas with other women.

So that's what I did.  I took my first semester of Wife for Life University.  And I loved it.  Like I mentioned, I learned a lot from reading the book for the first time, but that learning was greatly deepened through taking the online class.  Taking the class was great motivation to really practice the principles and tools.  I did a lot of journaling with the prompts that Ramona gave me and those helped me to get to know myself, J, and our marriage better.  I also got to connect with other women that want to be intentional about their marriages. Even though our marriage was pretty good before, there is always room for improvement and we made a lot of progress.

It only took me a few weeks into the first semester to decide that I wanted to attend W4LU again the next semester.  It's the same content every time, but a lot of students attend for more than one semester because it's just so great.  Plus, you get a significant discount on tuition for subsequent semesters, so that definitely helps.  :)  

This is what I wrote in my journal at the end of my first semester...

March 13, 2017

I don't feel like I have experienced anything that feels major at the moment - but I do feel like I have changed by a few degrees (and J has too) and that, I believe, has set us on a different course. I imagine that we are going to look back someday and be able to see how this semester of me taking this class and learning these things is something that made a big impact. I feel like it has changed my direction, ever so slightly in some ways, but the impact will be big. Just like how an airplane can completely change is destination just by changing a few degrees. I have made progress in becoming a pioneer woman and in accommodating accomplishment. I have gained a deeper appreciation for J and what he brings to our marriage. I have had a lot of perspective changes and paradigm shifts.

I feel like I am only at the beginning of this process though. I still have so much to learn and so far to grow. But I feel like I have a toolbox full of tools now and that is so empowering.

So after a few weeks break, I took my second semester of W4LU.  Again, I loved it.  I learned even more and experienced even more growth and positive change.  And again, I knew that I wanted to sign up to attend again next semester.

This is what I wrote in my journal at the end of my second semester...

June 7, 2017

Where am I at the end of this second semester of wife for life university? Well, sometimes it's hard to know if we are just in a good spot right now, but things are going great. I feel like our connection and friendship have really deepened. I feel J being drawn to me. I see and feel us as greater partners. I have seen positive changes in me, in him, and in us. I feel that we are on the path towards a grand marriage.   

We are currently on summer break, but I am attending W4LU (for the 3rd time) this Fall.  I'm excited to experience even more growth and depth this next semester and to continue developing friendships with Ramona and the other women in my class.

Some things that I love about Wife for Life...

My marriage was good before I discovered Wife for Life (definitely not perfect though, and year 7 was pretty rough at times and our hardest year so far), but it is even better now. I can't tell you how many times in the past couple months that I have experienced some of those "feeling truly cherished" moments. Our marriage has become even deeper and greater since starting W4LU. Remember how J was a little bit hesitant about me enrolling in W4LU the first time because it was kind of expensive? Well, now he tells me that its one of the best investments I've ever made.   

It's so interesting to me too because I don't feel like I have made major changes. I feel like I have just had a lot of mindset shifts and that has subtly shifted my actions and has benefited our marriage greatly.

I love that Wife for Life teaches that it's about the power that I have, as the wife, to influence my marriage for good (or bad) and to succeed.  I sometimes hear comments like "why isn't there a Husband for Life book?"  And yes, maybe someday Ramona will write one of those, and that will be great.  But I'm personally glad that there is a Wife for Life book because I am a wife.  The only person that I have control over is myself.  So I love that I have this awesome resource that teaches me a lot about myself, about my husband, and about how to use my power for good.  

J and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and we have commented to each other a lot lately how this year has been our best yet.  I am sure that this has been influenced greatly by my quest to be a wife for life. :) 

I would highly, highly, highly recommend reading Ramona's book.  And I would also highly (times 10)  recommend enrolling in Wife for Life University.  I promise that it's worth every penny.  

And you know what?  I want to give away a copy of Ramona's book. :)  If you want to enter, just share this post and then leave a comment.  I'll put you in a little random drawing and I'll send the winner a copy of the book. :)     

My Story: Discovering My Passion for Personal Growth (Part 2)

*You can find part 1 here

Photo by Michał Gałężewski on Unsplash

So initially, my passion for personal growth stemmed from a desire to have a positive birth experience with my 3rd baby.  But another thing that had been something that I thought about and stressed about a lot was my fear of driving.  (you can read the details of that story here.) For a few years, I had been trying to understand myself and why I had this fear and how I could get past it.  But I just hadn't found the right answers yet.  

  

A couple weeks after E was born, I went to a Relief Society activity. This lady from LDS Family Services came to talk to us about this personality assessment called Persogenics. The purpose of the activity was to help us understand ourselves and our spouse's personalities better so we could strengthen our marriages.

 *my notes

When the lady was explaining the different personality types, she talked about what each one was motivated by. When she got to the Amiable one, she said that they are motivated by peace. That was like a light bulb moment for me. 1. I have been drawn to things that talk about peace and peacemakers ever since my patriarchal blessing. 2. I was in still very much in the middle of my driving fears and really resonated with the idea that I was motivated by peace. I wanted to get over my fears so I could feel peace, but I also knew that keeping internal peace (and not getting super stressed out and anxious) usually meant me just avoiding the driving thing all together.  

I think that this Persogenics activity made me really interested in personality tests and how they offered me glimpses of myself that I had never really noticed or been able to explain before. It was only a few months later that I ran across Carol Tuttle's work of Energy Profiling. This gave me even more detail about who I am, how I think, how I move through the world. Overtime, I am learning more and more about what it means to be a peacemaker (in general and for me personally) and why I am one (and how I can strengthen those gifts that are inside me.)

I really enjoyed using the Hypnobabies birthing method - mostly because of the peace that I found when I used the techniques. Actually, a big part of it is controlling the pain by breathing into the areas that are feeling the discomfort/pressure/pain and repeating "peace" over and over again. 

I have also come to find overtime that I really am motivated by peace. I am sure that this is probably true for most people, but I definitely find it to be true for me. If I am not feeling at peace inside (if I'm stressed about something, if I'm worried, if I am feeling off physically, etc.) I am not a very nice person to be around. I snap at the kids (and J) more easily, I can't think about anything except for the thing that is stressing me out, etc.  Or I don't even know what is stressing me out because it's under the surface, but I know that there is something going on because I don't feel at peace. When I feel at peace inside, my life goes so much smoother and I am such a better version of myself.

When I am feeling stressed or worried about something, I will often say a prayer and ask Heavenly Father to "speak peace to my soul." I don't remember where I first heard this phrase, but when I heard it, it really stuck out to me and I have adopted it as my own.

So I feel like I have been on a quest for several years to discover how to bring more peace into my life.  One, so I can better understand how to fulfill my role as a peacemaker, and two so I can have more peace in my own soul.  I know that true peace comes from Jesus Christ.  He is the source of peace.  He is the Prince of Peace. But I often struggle with the how when it comes to accessing that peace.  I believe that Heavenly Father gives us tools to work with that can give us more access to the peace of Jesus Christ.  My quest for personal growth has led me to some of those tools, and it has also strengthened my testimony and ability to better use some of the tools that I already had.     

In April 2015, I was browsing Facebook one day and ran across a post by Mark Bacera about the morning routine that he had been doing.  (side note, Mark and my husband are good friends and grew up together in Guam.)

I normally just scroll on past after skimming people's posts, but this time I remember feeling really drawn to what Mark mentioned.  So I clicked on the link that went to his blog where he was recording his journey with the "Miracle Morning" ritual.  I read a few of his posts and instantly felt intrigued and wanted to try this morning routine out for myself.

I immediately ordered the book, The Miracle Morning, that his routine was based off of and when the book came a couple days later I dove in and read it.  The book was really motivating and I started getting up early (5:00 am) so that I could do the morning routine.  I fell in love with waking up early and spending time on personal growth before my kids woke up.  Sure, getting out of bed wasn't always easy and there were plenty of mornings (still are) where I wanted to just keep pressing snooze and sleep in, but I didn't.  I pushed through and woke up early anyway.  And I have never regretted it.

In a lot of ways, this morning routine was phase 2 of discovering my passion for personal growth.  Porter's birth got the ball rolling (but I didn't really recognize it until 18 months later) but The Miracle Morning gave that ball a big push.  It helped to engrain in me a strong desire to improve and to always be learning and growing and working on becoming better. I have now been doing this routine (adapted to me personally, and its been different at different stages (pregnancy and newborn phases)) for 2+ years.  I love it.

I have experienced so much growth from this daily ritual.  I have been led to many resources and tools that have blessed my life, including resources and paradigm shifts that helped me to progress and heal from my driving fears.  I have come to know myself in much deeper ways than I ever did before and that has been liberating, healing, motivating, and exciting.

Soon I plan to write a few posts that talk about the details of this morning routine.  If you want the details sooner than that, feel free to e-mail me at goodmorningshelly@gmail.com.  I have a document all typed up and ready to send to you that outlines the routine and the details of it.    



*Mark actually went on to write his own book called The Latter-Day Morning, which is based off the same routine as The Miracle Morning, but adapted for a Mormon audience.  I really enjoyed Mark's book and gained additional insights from it and I would highly recommend it as well.     

Turn on Your Flashlight: Don't Shrink.

Photo by Dino Reichmuth on Unsplash

I was just reading my scriptures and these verses stood out to me because of the thoughts that are currently going through my mind (*side note... I love it when I have scripture study moments like these...where what I am reading is exactly what I needed to read at that moment)...

1 Nephi 9:

2 And now, as I have spoken concerning these plates, behold they are not the plates upon which I make a full account of the history of my people; for the plates upon which I make a full account of my people I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates of Nephi. 

3 Nevertheless, I have received a commandment of the Lord that I should make these plates, for the special purpose that there should be an account engraven of the ministry of my people. 

4 Upon the other plates should be engraven an account of the reign of the kings, and the wars and contentions of my people; wherefore these plates are for the more part of the ministry; and the other plates are for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions of my people. 

5 Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not. 

6 But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

Part of me worries that on this blog I will come across in a way that "makes" people feel bad about themselves, because I will look like I have it all together and all figured out. My siblings used to tease me and call me a "goodie two-shoes" (side note... I never really knew where that phrase came from but wikipedia says "The History of Little Goody Two-Shoes is a children's story published by John Newbery in London in 1765. The story popularized the phrase "goody two-shoes", often used to describe an excessively virtuous person, a do-gooder.") I never liked it when my siblings would call me that.  I don't like being viewed that way. 

I do like doing good and working on becoming better. I don't like being viewed as someone who thinks they are better than other people. Because I don't. I'm just trying to live my life and do the best that I know how. And I am trying to share the light and knowledge that I have because maybe someone else would benefit. I have made a lot of positive changes in my life because of other people's stories that they shared and tools that they've taught. So in a way, I feel like I am just paying it forward. 

I also worry that people will think this because they will mostly read about my positive thoughts and life experiences. That doesn't mean that my life is all butterflies and unicorns. Believe me, some days  (more like some moments of every day) it's far from that. I get angry. I say irrational and ridiculous things to my kids (and to other people). J and I fight sometimes. I am moody (a lot). The list could go on and on. 

But, like Nephi says in these verses, this set of "plates" (this blog) isn't the space where I am focusing on those things. Nephi says "Upon the other plates should be engraven an account of the reign of the kings, and the wars and contentions of my people; wherefore these plates are for the more part of the ministry; and the other plates are for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions of my people."

Oh, there are plenty of "wars and contentions of my people" at my house (and in my head), but this (my blog) isn't really the space where I record about those, at least not excessively. I do record some of those things, but If I wrote down all of them (so that I could paint a complete, total, and realistic picture of my life), the important messages that I really wanted to get across would just get lost in all of the drama and chaos. And would that really serve anyone? 

Yes, maybe it would "make" people feel like "oh look! Shelly's life is a wreck just like mine! Looks like we're all in the pits." Great. We feel equal now. But now what? We just all sit in the dark room together and hold hands because everyone is afraid to turn their flashlight on in the fear that everyone else will be jealous or think negatively about us because we aren't sharing the darkness anymore? "Who do you think you are? Turning on your light. Now you're "making" me feel bad because I don't have a flashlight (or I'm just too afraid to turn mine on because then I won't be just like everyone else anymore.)" 

Nephi does record some of the wars and contentions of his people, but he doesn't write about those things excessively. On these particular plates, he focuses on the goodness of God. On the tender mercies.  And on the light and joy and peace.

  

This blog is a place where I write about light. The dawn. The morning. Moments of peace and clarity and joy. Moments where I felt freed from the darkness. Moments of growth. 

So please forgive me if I don't write about all of the darkness in my life - if I'm not "real" (i.e. pessimistic) enough on this blog. The truth is, these are not the plates where I write of those things. These plates are titled "Good Morning Shelly" (or currently, Lo Dawn...soon to be re-named. :)) Those plates are titles "The Book of Shelly - a complete history, including all the raw, dirty, drama, darkness, poop-stained moments of life" (or something like that. :)) 

This reminds me of one of my current favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson: 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

Amen!  Preach it, Marianne!  

  

Let's not shrink just so other people won't feel insecure around us. Let's go shine our lights so that all can benefit.

So if you need permission to turn on your flashlight, I'm here to give it to you.  You are brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous.  You are a child of God.  Play big!  Serve the world.  You are meant to shine.  You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you.  It's not just in a select few (or even everyone else but you,) it is in YOU.  And as you let your light shine, you will unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  

Let's all turn on our flashlights.  This world could always use more light.  

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

Journal Keeping: Rapid-Fire Inspiration

Photo by Alejandro Escamilla on Unsplash

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am passionate about record keeping.  I'm sure that over time I will write plenty of posts that talk about the importance of keeping a journal.  :)

I love keeping a journal where I can record the happenings from my everyday life.  I have heard many people say that they don't keep a journal because they think that it'll be boring for someone (or their future self) to read someday because their life "isn't very interesting."  I have had this thought before as well.  But a few years ago I compiled my personal history (see, I told you I am passionate about record keeping.  haha.)  It was comprised of memories, journal entries, and photos from my birth up until that point in my life (age 23.)  Maybe someday I'll do an entire post about compiling my personal history.  

But anyway, when I was going through my journal entries and gathering what I wanted to include in my book, I of course read a lot of entries about my everyday happenings.  And while I will admit that not all of the journal entries were thrilling or exciting, they all helped to paint a picture of what my life was like at different stages.  And the seemingly "boring" and mundane entries were actually interesting in their own way.  They brought back memories of what my days were like, just the everyday moments.  Things that I had forgotten about, even though it had only been a few years since then.  So that's my little plug for keeping a journal, even if you think your life is boring.      

But besides just writing about the ins and outs and mundane pieces of my everyday life, I also love to write about the things that I am learning and how I am growing and changing.  I love to record my random thoughts and insights about anything and everything.  

I go through phases where I write in my journal really consistently and then the habit kind of falls away and I am more sporadic with my entries.  I happen to be on a good streak right now.  I've written everyday for almost a year (352 days so far.)  Some of these entries are short and only mention a couple of small things.  Some are really long and detailed.

I do enjoy writing about what happened that day, but those kinds of entries have been a little less frequent over that past few months.  Instead, I have really been into recording my thoughts about the things that I am learning (through my personal growth educational pursuits and also through practicing these skills/tools/concepts.  This also includes spiritual experiences.)    

Something that I have really been noticing though is that the more consistently I write in my journal (especially when I am recording my thoughts about what I am learning and experiences that I am having), the more I have what I call "rapid-fire inspiration."  This is where I just have so many thoughts and insights (about the gospel, about life, about learning and growth, etc.) that I can't even write them down fast enough.  I actually keep a list on my phone where I write down "journal about... [insert random thing that I just had an insight about]."  And then I make the time (during my morning routine, or during nap time in the afternoon) to write in my journal about these thoughts/insights.  That is actually where most of the posts on this blog have come from - those journal entries where I just sat down and recorded my thoughts/insights about a topic I was thinking about.  

And sure, some of these thoughts/insights don't seem super important or vital to my salvation.  But I find that they give me passion for learning and for seeking and discovering the mysteries of God - however big or small those mysteries are.  

I also think that its a way to practice receiving revelation and inspiration from the Holy Ghost.  I feel that I'm showing God that I care about what He has to say to me.  I care enough to write those thoughts/insights down because I want to remember them.

And many times I have gone back to these journal entries and connected (seemingly random) thoughts that I had before (and had written down) with thoughts that I am having currently.  It is like putting together a puzzle.  Sometimes Heavenly Father gives me one piece of the puzzle (a bit of inspiration/insight) and then another piece a while (days, weeks, months, years) later.  If I have written down the first (and subsequent) puzzle pieces then I add those to the new puzzles pieces that I am currently receiving.  I can then piece these insights together and they start to take some shape and show me more of the picture of what is going on.  This is one way that I have really come to know myself at a deeper level.  And that self-knowing has benefited my life in numerous ways.      

Photo by Hans-Peter Gauster on Unsplash

I found this quote and I really feel like it speaks to what I am trying to say....

"Referring to the Holy Ghost, Joseph Smith said, “If you will listen to the first promptings, you will get it right nine times out of ten.” How often have you had an impression and rationalized it away as your own thought? For instance, when faced with a particular challenge or problem, an impression might come as to what to do about it. Instead of acting on that prompting, many of us second- and third-guess the prompting and begin to doubt that it actually came from the Spirit.  

One of our problems is we do not pay attention to the Lord when He whispers to us on seemingly insignificant things. Then when something big comes along and we really want inspiration, we’re out of practice and don’t know how to receive it. 

President Harold B. Lee counseled, “All of us should try to . . . give heed to the sudden ideas that come to us, and if we’ll give heed to them and cultivate an ear to hear these promptings we too—each of us—can grow in the spirit of revelation” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Harold B. Lee [Melchizedek Priesthood and Relief Society course of study, 2000], 51)."  (*source)

Oh, and one thing that makes consistent (and more detailed) journaling soooo much easier for me is that I type my journal entries instead of handwriting them.  I looooovvveee a handwritten journal just as much as the next guy.  But for that past 7 years I have been typing my journal entries instead and I have really loved it.  I used a company called jrnl.com.  They are so awesome.  I get my journal printed into a book (super easy, no work involved, just order it through their site) every few years or so (or however often I feel like printing it.)  I also keep a journal for each of my kids (since they were each born) and I use jrnl.com for their journals as well.  And then I just print them every few years.  Even though my kids are still young (7,5,3, and 1) they already love reading (or having me read to them) their journal entries that I've kept for them over the years.    

So that's my plug - one of many- for keeping a journal. :)  

It's Not About Me: Self-Care and Service

Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash

I've been thinking about self-care and service a lot lately. I've been trying to figure out how they go together and why we need both of them. In thinking about this, I have been a little confused about the "give, give, give. Give your all in service to others" concept. To me that kind of teaches that everyone else is more important and deserves more than you.  It makes us feel like our needs don't matter and that we are supposed to just take care of everyone else and just serve others to death, at the expense of our own energy and needs. And I think that kind of breeds victim and martyrdom feelings. And also, are you even able to give high quality and meaningful service if you are so burnt out? If you are not important or deserving, but everyone else supposedly is, then how can you give love? If we don't love ourselves, do we really feel that we can give love to others? 

I've been thinking about how this balances with the concept of putting on your oxygen mask first.

"As I’ve flown, I’ve noted as we commence to take off from the airport, a flight attendant will arise and among other things will say, “Now, if we lose air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will descend from overhead. If you’re caring for young children or someone with a disability, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.” Why would the flight attendant say that? Obviously, if you’re unconscious, you can’t help anyone else. So it is with our service to humankind and our service in the Church and in our professions. If we don’t strengthen ourselves, we will never be in a position to strengthen others."  *source 

I fully believe in taking time for ourselves.  I love my self-care time.  I feel like it is vital for my sanity and I'm also passionate about personal growth.

"President Hinckley has also taught that we have a fourfold responsibility—to our families, to our employers, to the Lord, and to ourselves. He has counseled us to “take some time to do a little meditating, to do a little exercise.”  *source 

Photo by kosal ley on Unsplash 

But I also feel like "too much" self-care can become selfish, or at least too much self-care with the wrong focus. So here's what I've been learning as I contemplate all of this...

Self-care is not about me - not in a selfish "I deserve this. I have been taking care of all you people so I need a break and time to myself" kind of way. I think there is some truth in that statement, but not all the way (which is how Satan works, right? Mixes in some truth with some lies). Self-care is about taking the time to fill your cup so that you have some to give. It is really about being able to give back to those around you with abundance.

I think that another way that Satan tries to lie about self-care is he likes to make us feel like we deserve time to ourselves.  We deserve a break.  And while, yes, I do feel like downtime and relaxation is necessary and healthy, I feel like Satan has twisted this and turned this downtime and relaxation time into selfishness and idleness time.  Watching a (wholesome) TV show here and there, I think that's fine.  It can be a way to decompress after a long day, to just be entertained for a bit and enjoy life, or to bond with a friend or family member.  But binge watching shows on netflix?  Is that really wholesome self-care?  In my opinion, no.  Of course, the content of the show might make a difference here, but in general I feel that it's idleness.          

Self-care is definitely required and necessary and healthy. But I'm leaning towards the belief that paradoxically, the focus of our self-care should not actually be on the self. The care of self should not be the end, it should be the means to an end.

The focus should be on bettering the self for the purpose of being a better disciple of Christ - a disciple that has service and love to give to others. It's about consecrating our performance (both the service preparation (self-care) and the service itself) to the building up of the kingdom of God and the establishment of Zion. It's about keeping in mind who we are working for. We are working for God, not ourselves. We are on God's team. He needs each of us to do our part in sharing goodness and light so that the people around us can come to know Him better and receive more joy. Self-care is about preparing and learning and strengthening ourselves so that when God needs us (which will be more often if we are willing and prepared), we are ready and prepared to help. We have the tools in our belt. 

I've always been a little confused about the scripture verses that talk about if you save your life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life, you will save it. But these new thoughts (that I just discussed) have been helping me to understand those scripture verses better.  I also just ran across this quote from President Monson (from the October 2009 General Conference talk "What Have I Done For Someone Today.")

"The Savior taught His disciples, “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it” (Luke 9:24). I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives."

The purpose of life - of my life (and every other individual's life) is to become like God and to help those around us to become like God. If we are only focused on ourselves and our own needs and we aren't consecrating our performance to God, then we really miss out on the entire purpose of why we are alive. When you lose yourself (and focus your service on others, with the purpose of being an instrument in God's hands), then you really find yourself because you are living your life purpose. And there is more of you to find. That last line "while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish - and in effect save their lives" stood out to me. The first thought that came to mind when I thought about growing and flourishing is "we fill the measure of our creation." 

When I was just typing out the name of that General Conference talk, the title of it stuck out to me and I felt an emphasis on the word for. "What have I done for Someone Today?" I do a lot of things everyday. I do a lot of "service" to take care of my kids and family and home. And I also do some "service" that affects other people (family, friends, neighbors, etc.) But how much of that service am I really doing for them? How often is my focus really on them instead of on me. The answer is that most of the time it's not on them. Most of the time I just go through the motions and do the things that I need to do to keep everything running relatively smoothly. Or I do the service so that I can practice being more Christlike. But I don't focus on who I am doing those things for. And I think that adversely affects not only the degree that my service impacts the one that I am serving, but also it negatively impacts my own "finding of myself." 

I also think that in consecrating our performance to God, we find evidence for God's overflowing love for us and we come to love ourselves more as well. He wants us to fill the measure of our creation. He wants us to fulfill our purpose (which is to become like Him.) And the best way we can do that is to serve others with the focus on being an instrument in His hands. Think about what kind of ultimate and righteous self-esteem that produces when we know that God is able to use us to build up the kingdom because we are worthy and prepared. Of course, God's love for us never changes. He loves us no matter what - no matter how good or bad we are, no matter how much or how little we serve Him (and our fellow men.) But the way we view and love ourselves definitely changes according to our actions. And serving God, and knowing that you are being an instrument in His hands to bring about His work and glory - now that is something that really gives you some high, wholesome self-esteem (of course if you stay humble about the whole thing and remember your purpose, and that it's not about you). 

Here are a couple of experiences from the past couple weeks that have made me think about all of this more...

When I was listening to Jody's podcast a couple weeks ago, what she said at the beginning really stuck out to me. She was talking about the "Meant for Joy" presentation that she did in Salt Lake (that I got to go to) and this is what she said...

"It was so wonderful to meet all of you guys. But here's what was interesting about that. My brain kind of went on a "shame attack" after that. Like "who do you think you are? All these people want to meet you and take their picture with you like you're something special. You are not anything special." I want you to know that my brain does that thing as well. And I am very aware that I am nothing special and I think I have that reaction sometimes because I'm really not trying to create any kind of celebrity status around myself and so when people treat me that way it feels very out of alignment with who I'm really wanting to be and how I view myself. But what really helps me get back on track is to just remind my brain "none of this is about you. Just relax. This line of people that want to stand in line and come meet you, that has nothing to do with you. That has to do with you happen to be the messenger of some tools that are really helpful to them so they connect you to those tools but it's something about them, it's not about you." That is something that always brings me peace. And really, I don't view this as something that I'm doing. I view it that I am part of a team and those of you that listen and carry on this work and share it with others, we are all part of a team. Working together with a group of like minded people towards a cause is really rewarding and fulfilling to me. That's really how I view it is that we are all trying to carry this work out together."

I really resonated with what she said about how she is just the messenger. It's not about her, it's about the people that she is helping. She doesn't desire fame or recognition. She just wants to help as many people as she can. 

Another experience that caused me to reflect on this topic was the other day when I happened to hear a few of the songs from the 2017 Mutual album (for youth) and this one in particular stood out to me. It's called "It's Not About You."

So to sum this all up, our life purpose is to become like God and to help others to become like God.  And I feel that the best way to do that is through preparing ourselves (through purposeful and intentional self-care) and giving back through service to others - remembering that the focus for our service is on those that we serve (and ultimately, on God.)

This is something that I really want to shift my mindset on. Something that I have been doing lately is that before I start my routine each morning, I have been starting it off by saying a little prayer where I tell Heavenly Father that I am dedicating this morning's routine to Him and I ask him to consecrate it for my good so that I can be a better instrument in His hands.  I also ask Him to consecrate my performance that day to Him and His purposes.  

What is this blog about, anyway?

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So for all of my avid readers (ahem... me, myself, and I), I wanted to explain what this blog is anyway. Haha. 

So at the beginning of May, we had a Relief Society activity. It was a "life organization conference." I was asked to present about my morning routine. I have been doing a personal development morning routine for 2 years now (based off of The Miracle Morning (and other resources). 

I only had 10 minutes to present but I could have presented for like 3 hours (or more) on the topic. I spent a long time preparing for my presentation. One, because I like to plan things out and prepare well, and two, because I am passionate about personal growth so I love learning about and sharing these kinds of things. 

There weren't very many people there, I didn't feel like I had enough time to share everything that I wanted to, and no one really talked to me about it afterwards, so I didn't think I had got my message across like I wanted to. I was a little bummed about it when I was driving home. I had a little pep talk with myself as I was driving home, reminding myself that "I'm not for everyone" and that's ok.

I was also comforting myself by telling myself that even if no one was inspired by what I shared (and that was unlikely... probably at least one person got something from my presentation,) it was still good that I had done the presentation. I really enjoyed preparing for it and my preparations made me really dive deeper into the resources (The Miracle Morning and The Latter-day Morning books) again and become even more inspired and excited to take my routine to the next level...especially after the past year or so of not doing my routine to the max (because of pregnancy and new baby stages.) So even just for that, it was worth it for me to have done this presentation. 

Well, when I got home, I told J about how it went and how I had way more content to share than I had time for.  Being the super supportive husband that he is, he said "I have an idea. What if I build you a website and you can share your content on there?"  And that got me really excited. Like I said, I'm passionate about personal growth, and I really feel like teaching about this morning routine (and organizing my personal growth learning into the elements of the routine,) would be fun and a good way for me to share what I love. 

So I told J that I thought that was a great idea. He immediately bought a domain name so that he could start making the website for me.  Life has been busy the past couple months (summer trips and such) so he hasn't had a lot of time to work on it yet, but it's coming along slowly but surely. I have such a cool husband and I love that he cares about my dreams and passions. :)

Also, when I got home that night, I kept thinking about this quote (that I had read in The Miracle Morning book as I was finishing up my preparations for my presentation.)...

"Many people don't feel comfortable visualizing success and are even scared to succeed. Some people may experience resistance in this area. Some may even feel guilty that they will leave the other 95% behind when they become successful.  

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson).  

The greatest gift we can give to the people we love is to live to our full potential." 

When I was writing in my journal about it that night, I wrote "This is really true...especially for women I think. Shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around us does not serve the world. I need to stand up. I need to be bold. I need to share my passions and talents and gifts with others. Living MY life (with my unique gifts and talents) to my fullest potential is a great gift to the world." 

So that's how this blog was really born (even though I had technically posted a few times before that).  Eventually, when the website is really up and running, this blog is going to be integrated into it. 

I need to explain my morning routine on the blog sometime so this all makes a little more sense because I'm sure that my posts seem kind of random and scattered sometimes.  Basically though, I write about the things that I am learning and how I am applying them and practicing them in my own life.   

I knowingly admit that I am far from a professional writer.  I am definitely not an english major.  Haha.  But I decided that I am not going to stress about my writing style or skills (or lack thereof).  I am just going to be me.  A lot of my posts come (mostly) from my journal.  I am big into record keeping and I keep a consistent and detailed journal.  So my posts often come from things that I have written about in my journal and then I just make some minor adjustments when I turn them into a blog post.

And if you're wondering why this blog is called Lo Dawn, you can read about it in this post.

The Sweetness of Opposition: Owning Negative Emotion

I listened to a podcast on Saturday by Brooke Castillo about owning negative emotion. I thought it was really interesting. She talked about how we often get stuck in feeling like if we aren't feeling a positive emotion all the time then there is something wrong with us. Especially when we are in the work of being intentional about personal growth. It's easy to feel like a fraud or something if you are feeling negative emotion.  She also talked about the benefits of really experiencing (rather than resisting) negative emotion and how it deepens our life experience and capacity to feel positive emotion as well.  

I loved the podcast so much that I actually listened to it again and transcribed it (one, because listening to it more slowly helps me to digest the information better and two, because sometimes when I hear something that really resonates with me, I like to write it down and keep it in my journal.)  I would love to just put the entire podcast on here, but that would be way too long.  I highly recommend clicking on that link and listening to it though.  :) Here are the main things that I learned and some of my favorite excerpts from the episode... 

1. We are not supposed to feel positive emotion 100% of the time.  

We learn in the scriptures about how there is opposition in all things and that is how it is supposed to be.  We need opposition in order to have agency.  We also need opposition so that we can have a full life experience.

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility."  2 Nephi 2:11

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2. When we resist negative emotions we are doing ourselves a disservice.  

Multiple disservices actually. 

Resisting the negative emotion actually feels worse (and often results in regret) than just accepting, allowing, and processing it.  In my experience, resisting a negative emotion doesn't make the emotion go away.  It is like a beach ball that is held under the surface of the water.  Eventually it builds up so much pressure that it can't be held under anymore.  It explodes up to the surface and up into the air. That's how negative emotions work too.  When we resist them and push them down, they eventually build up too much pressure and they release in a more extreme way.  

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In contrast to that, if we accept, allow, and process the negative emotion, it is still there.  But it isn't being held under.  It is just allowed to float on the surface of the water until it floats away.  It might come back again, depending on the situation and if you have changed your thoughts about the circumstance or not, but when it comes back, you can just accept, allow, and process it again.   

3. Being truly alive means experiencing the positive and the negative. 

"Our ability to deal with negative emotion is going to come from experiencing negative emotion. And if I am constantly trying to dismiss negative emotion or control my life in a way where I won't ever experience negative emotion then I'm really going to miss out on half of the experience of being alive. We can stay in our homes and never leave and never enter into any relationships that will cause us pain and kind of avoid those experiences of contrast and negative emotion but we are also going to miss out on the full experience of being alive. So I think the more alive we are willing to be, the more negative emotion we are going to experience." (Brooke Castillo)

"I think that most of what we are experiencing with our clients through life coaching and through weight coaching right now is, I would say, an epidemic of people resisting and avoiding emotion. I think they spend so much time trying to be happy without actually being happy and making the effort to do that by resisting anything that feels like a negative vibration in their body. And the way that they do that is by pretending it's not there, pushing it away, and avoiding it. I think that really understanding that the way to enjoy life is not by putting the breaks on negative emotion. And in fact, it's the opposite. It's by really opening ourselves up to diving into the negative emotion that gives us the full experience of what it means to be alive. And I think that is ultimate happiness." (Brooke Castillo)

4. Being willing to feel your feelings takes great courage

"I think that feeling your feelings is the most courageous thing anyone can ever do. And when you are willing to feel any emotion, that's when you'll be willing to take any action because you won't be afraid of the emotion that might accompany it." (Brooke Castillo)

5. Experiencing negative emotions deepens our capacity to feel positive emotions. 

"Because we have been resisting our emotion for so long, we don't even know what it's like to experience an emotion. We only know what it's like to resist an emotion. And avoid an emotion. What's it like to actually feel it? And for many of us, this experience of taking this moment to be in that discomfort of negative emotion is the first time they've ever even done it. It's like the first time someone has ever lifted weights. They're like "I'm not lifting weights. That looks like it will hurt." And it does hurt a little bit, but the benefits of experiencing it are tremendous. And it's the same with experiencing negative emotion. So if you give yourself a certain period of time everyday to just allow whatever negative emotion you are feeling to come up and be experienced, to flow through you with full acceptance, You will actually learn the skill of how to feel a negative emotion. And when you learn how to feel a negative emotion, you also learn how to feel a positive emotion. You're learning how to feel. So many of us have learned how to resist emotion and avoid emotion for so long, we literally don't know how to feel. So, the best way to do anything is to do it, and do it consistently." (Brooke Castillo)

When I heard Brooke talk about this, it really resonated with me.  In general I am a very "toned down" person.  I am not very expressive externally.  That sometimes bothers me, but I am also coming to terms with that and accepting that I am that way and it's not always a bad thing.  What does bother me though is that I don't feel like I am very expressive internally either.  

I feel like I am missing out on some of the depth of life. I think that perhaps I have been in a habit of resisting negative emotions (when they come up) for so long that I feel like it has impacted my capacity to really feel the depth of positive emotion as well.  I don't think I am like this in an extreme way or anything.  I definitely do still experience feelings - both positive and negative, but my feelings  are toned down.  I guess I just don't feel all the way alive in that area. I have brief moments here and there, but for the most part, I feel out of touch with my deeper feelings - both positive and negative.  I feel like I have a hard time being truly empathetic when other people are going through something hard.  I don't feel good or happy for them, obviously, but I have a really hard time knowing how to help them because I have a hard time feeling for them.  I just get stumped and don't know what to do.  I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else.  Just trying to describe my mental and emotional thoughts and feelings about this interesting struggle of mine. 

When negative emotions come up, I often feel out of control and just want them to go away. So I just resist and avoid and try to control. This never ends well. I end up not only grumpy, angry, regretful, and a bad mom (or wife, friend, etc.) but I also have just done myself a disservice. I haven't taken advantage of the experience of processing it and I haven't allowed that negative emotion (the opposition) to do it's job. I haven't allowed it to deepen my capacity to feel  - to feel more empathy for others, and to make my future positive emotions and experiences sweeter and deeper.    

6. Establish a daily practice: Set aside 10 minutes a day to feel your feelings and really experience them and/or do a thought download

"So, 10 minutes a day, when you feel yourself wanting to escape (you know what it is you do to escape to yourself,) instead of doing that, invite whatever ugliness you think is inside of you to come up. And just notice it with fascination and with curiosity, and not with judgment. For some of you it may be rage. For some of you be sadness. For some of you it may be depression. It may be disappointment. Can you give yourself 10 minutes to experience that emotion in it's purity. And really notice what it feels like and what it's like to experience it. And how long does it really last? Do you know how long a negative emotion lasts? Most of you are gonna say no because you've never even allowed it to come through." (Brooke)

"So when I'm saying "experience negative emotion and give yourself the time to actually allow that emotion to come up," I'm not suggesting that you're reacting to that negative emotion. I'm just suggesting that you are letting it be there and letting it be what it is. And that is a very different energy. And I think in the beginning it's really important to give yourself some time. Maybe say "ok, at noon, I'm going to sit down and really let my negative emotion come up." And if it doesn't come up, what I suggest is that you sit down and do a thought download. You just write down all of the negative thoughts that are in your brain. And know that there will be some negative thoughts in there and that's ok. By pretending they're not there, and not owning them, you can't change them. And I think there is real power in that word, owning. 

I actually put this in my post when I went through my shame experience. Shame doesn't like to be owned, it likes to own you. That's how my experience is of it. And when I own it as my own, "this is my shame. I am experiencing the shame. And in fact, I am creating the shame with my brain. This is my shame. It doesn't come over me. It doesn't attack me. It doesn't get me. I am the one creating the attack. This is my experience to fully accept and take responsibility for." I will tell you what, that will change your experience with your emotion and I can't say that it will feel good, because it won't. Most negative emotion doesn't. It doesn't feel great in our body, but it is part of the experience. And it is part of what it means to truly accept ourselves as we are. When you accept your negative emotion, when you allow it, then you can heal from it. You know that it's not going to last forever. You know that it's going to pass through you and your body will take care of it and then you will move on. Instead of pretending that you don't have it, you just give into it. You just allow it. Without reacting to it. You just be with it. Just let it be. Just be with whatever emotion is with you right now. That's what it means to be alive. And when you look at the overall trajectory of your entire life, if you want the main experience to be some level of contentment and happiness, I truly believe that means accepting the emotion that you're feeling and also not judging it something that shouldn't be happening. Just allowing it as an experience of your life. And then giving yourself access to what you're thinking that's creating it, without trying to change it. I mean, I think that's the most courageous thing we can do - to be with ourselves." (Brooke)

I decided to make this daily practice a part of my morning routine.  I listened to this podcast this past weekend when we were out of town.  We got back on Sunday evening so on Monday morning, during my morning routine, I sat down with a blank piece of paper and just started writing down any thoughts that came into my mind.  I had woken up that morning feeling kind of blah but it was a bunch of random thoughts so I didn't really know which one in particular needed to be processed, that's why I just did the thought download. It actually really helped to clear my head and I felt much better at the end. 

After the thought download, I noticed some self-coaching work that needed to be done.  So I got out another blank paper and plugged one of my issues into the CTFAR model.  Someday I'll do an entire post about the model, but I learned it from my life coach, Jody Moore.  Basically, Circumstances trigger Thoughts which create our Feelings, which create our Actions, which create our Results.   The result points back to the thought.  So if I want a different result with something in my life then I need to change my thought.   

For the past 4 days so far, I have continued this habit of doing a thought download and then running a model (or two).  It has been really helpful.  And also, I have just felt more clarity and peace throughout the day.  I plan to make this a regular part of my morning routine.      

I know that this is just the first step.  Really diving into the experience of processing a negative emotion will take a lot practice.  But I am becoming more convinced that I want to be up to the challenge.  

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7. The Fear of feeling negative emotion and the resistance are much bigger problems than the actual emotion itself. 

"Think about that with your children. It's so tempting when they're crying to say "oh no, you're ok. You're ok. Don't cry. You're alright. Toughen up. You can be good here. You got this." Because we don't want our kids to cry because we want them to be happy all the time. Well, the same is for us. We have some kind of negative emotion come up and we say "oh you're ok, you're ok. Don't worry about it. Just eat something." Instead of "no, no, no. Here's negative emotion. This is part of the experience. I'm going to take some time and really dive into this one and really see what this is all about. I'm going to let this be part of my life instead of pretending like it isn't. And then you will stop controlling everything around your life and stop avoiding things that you might want to do because of your fear of feeling negative emotion. The fear of feeling negative emotion and the resistance to feeling negative emotion are much bigger problems than the actual emotion itself." (Brooke)

I feel like this concept is so freeing.  Imagine what kind of great things I could accomplish and who I could become if I wasn't afraid to feel negative emotion.  So inspiring and empowering.  

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Another thought that I had was that I think that something else that holds me back from feeling more depth with positive emotions is that some fear is involved.  It's like I am afraid to really feel the positive emotion too deeply - because what if it doesn't last?  What if some terrifying or horrible thing happens in my life?  I don't want to get too attached to the positive - like I am using that to protect me from getting hurt too deeply.  Because the greater I feel the positive, the more capacity I will have to really feel the negative if (more like when) it happens.  And that sounds painful.  But I am realizing through this that it will be even more painful if I resist the negative emotion that will come.  Experiencing the negative emotion will probably be a better (cleansing, healing, deepening, etc.) experience than I can imagine. 

So I think that I could work on really experiencing the positive emotions in my everyday life as well.  Really dive into them.  Because the more I experience the positive, the more alive I will be.  And then I need to trust and not be afraid of negative emotion that will come. 

Opposition makes life sweeter - if we allow it to by really diving in and experiencing the negative and the positive.